Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave's Regrets - Vol. 5

You know, with all of the sordid, terrible things I've done in my life, I'm actually finding it difficult to come up with regrets.

Oh, I did lots of horrible things. I just don't feel bad about most of them.

This one is not so much something I did as a decision I made.

When I was in university, I had a little trouble making ends meet. Living on my own was turning out to be much more expensive than I had planned and I found myself running low on cash.

This way or may not have been related to the fact that I was completely unable too cook for myself and instead relied on the kind people of McDonald's for my meals.

One day I made the decision to get a part time job.

This isn't the thing I regret. While yes, getting a job like this is obviously going to suck, it is a fairly normal event for a college student to find a job.

Not exactly breaking new ground here, people.

No, my regret is the job I decided to take.

I needed a job that would allow me time for classes. That meant either evening shifts or night shifts.

This is like telling someone that their entree comes with their choice of kick in the balls or kick in the face.

Evening shifts got ruled out because I had some hope of maintaining an actual social life and the possibility I could get stuck with an evening class.

This left night shifts.

So, what job would befit an angry, people-hating man at night?

Strip club DJ?

No, I do not think my phat beats would we appropriate while watching single moms pole dancing.

Strip club bouncer?

While I do have extensive martial arts training, this still didn't seem right for me. Perhaps it was my generally sunny disposition or the fact that I didn't have a neck wider than my own head.

I'm not sure why all my possible career choices centered around strip clubs.

After some exhaustive research and personality testing, I have come to understand there is a very technical, scientific reason behind this:

Boobs are awesome.

Anyway, when all of my strip club-adjacent job choices didn't pan out, I decided to look for other jobs.

That's when I saw the ad.

Wanted: Night shift workers. Good pay, little customer interaction.

It looked too good to be true. Good money AND I didn't have to deal with people all day? Sign me up.

It wasn't until I went to the interview that I learned exactly what the job entailed. Apparently, this was a steam cleaning company that cleaned the exhaust systems above fast food restaurants.

Because I had spent so much money eating at fast food places, I was stucking cleaning fast food places.

No, the irony was not lost on me.

The boss described it as easy money. Shooting hot water into vents, cleaning up excess water.

How hard could it be?

This is the exact moment I started to regret this decision.

Do you know where they keep the ventilation and exhaust systems for restaurants? Yes, that's right. The roof.

Instead of just "shooting hot water into vents", I was stuck on the roof in freezing cold temperatures trying not to fall to my death or die of hypothermia.

Before you say that's not too bad, I should point out that there were nights when I had to get down into the ventilation system.

You know in movies how they show people crawling through ventilation systems and how nice and neat and clean they are?

That's a F&%@ing lie.

Instead, I was ankle deep in grease, little bits of cooked food clinging to my legs.

You have no idea what that feels like.

And then, we get to the worst part of the job.

I know. You're thinking "ankle deep in chicken grease WASN'T THE WORST PART?" I mean, I was standing in a pool of grease and chicken bits. What could be worse than that?

Do you know what happens to the water you shoot into the vents?

That's right. It pours down the ventilation system and someone has to stand there and clean it up.

That was my job for a while. Stand there holding a shop vac with watery chicken grease raining down on me from above.

I think that's one of the seven circles of hell.

It was so bad that at the end of every night, I had to go home and take a shower. And I'd have to use dish liquid to get rid of the grease.

I know I probably learned a whole lot on that job. I probably learned some valuable skills and maybe, a little humbleness and humility.

Screw that. It was raining chicken grease on my head.

Just so you know, that's is not a natural weather condition. It's not sunny with a 20% chance of raining chicken grease.

I've had many jobs over the years, but that is the one I'd like most to forget.

Well, that and my time spent as a pimp.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 8:26 PM