Monday, November 02, 2009

So Goddamn Simple

What the hell has gone wrong with Trick or Treaters?

I realize kids these days have got the attention span of your average mosquito, but the very least these little bastards can do is put on a freaking costume.

The Halloween relationship is an incredibly simple one. You dress up in a costume, I provide candy.

That's it. This is not some sort of complex interaction.




And yet, I open my door Saturday night and I'm greeted with people wearing jeans and backwards hats.

What the sweet bacon Jesus hell?

Just... Just wear a mask or something. Give me something to work with so that I can at least feel like I'm not just giving food away for no reason.

I'm not asking for a lot. I'm not asking for some intricate play with thought-provoking themes and memorable characters.

I do, however, have some full size snickers bars prepared for just such an occasion.

But give me something, anything.

Just wear... Something.

A mask. A wig. Some make up.


If you're just going around not wearing a costume, then you're not trick or treating. At that point, you're just actively begging for food.

Granted, you're being proactive and going to people's houses to beg. You are the go getter of the homeless panhandler crowd.

Still, you're just begging for food.

Congratulations. You're dressed as a moron.

Next year, and I'm not kidding, I am going to beat the ever-loving shit out of the first kid who shows up at my door without a costume. I am going to go medieval on his ass.

I dare any police officer arresting me to tell me he wouldn't do the same.

I'll be out in less than an hour, sitting outside, eating a freaking bite-sized Kitkat bar, and waiting for the next retard to show up.

That probably won't be a long wait.


At 6:11 PM, Blogger Kimberly-Ann said...

yeah... no one around here dressed up. :( and it was over at around 7pm wtf

At 6:12 PM, Blogger Taylor-MadeAK said...

Back before we had a rug monkey of our own to take out for Hallowe'en, we had a sign that went up on the front door every October 31st. A very simple sign that even a moron could decipher, with only a little help from his or her mommy. That sign says:


Any morons that showed up at our door begging for candy in their jeans and winter coat (we do, after all, live in Alaska) with some lame line about they're dressed as "trailer trash" or "a punk" was answered with a mute finger pointed at the sign in front of them, followed by the sound of the door slamming in their face.

Then came the silly string from remote-triggered concealed spray cans mounted above the door...

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

I don't hand out candy.

I DO allow trick or drinking but you must be fully costumed.

My neighbors dressed as Pope Mercedes (in full Papal regalia) and The Dead Guy (dressed in a suit but being pushed around the street in an actual coffin).

You bring the container, the house fills it with their choice of alcohol.

At 6:57 PM, Blogger Totema said...

What I'm curious about is why it's socially acceptable if it's asking for candy on that one night. What if a group of teens ring on your doorbell on Halloween night and one asks you for a jar of mayonnaise or peanut butter? Or even if he could use your toilet? Would it suddenly get weird? According to society, yes. But candy? No, take as much as you want.

At 7:02 PM, Blogger Jenn said...

Tell me you didn't give those idiots candy. I wouldn't have!

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Leut said...

There is a simply, yet messy solution to this problem.

Dog terd.

Any kid that shows up without a costume gets some fertilizer in their bag. Tell 'em its European Chocolate.

If you run out, make sure you ate some salad or somethign with alot of fiber. It's a win/win situation. They get theirs and your pants get to feel more loose.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Laserx said...

Hahahaha! I had freaking full fledged chain mail and plate helmet for my "costume". I wanted to borrow my friend's great sword, but he was already using it...

None the less, it was, without a doubt, the biggest haul of candy I got in all my years of trick-or-treating.

At 11:07 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

Back when I was still young enough to trick-or-treat (I'm waiting for when I have kids to take out), I once dressed as Robin Hood, despite being a girl, with a real longbow and some arrows (sans tips) as my costume. It was GREAT! People love it when you have real weapons! Well, as long as you're not using them to actually hurt them...

At 11:27 PM, Blogger Fiona said...

But Dave, think of all that useless energy you'd waste beating up the morons. Honestly, tell me that's worth your time?

Just do what my boyfriend did - Hand out apples to the people who didn't dress up. Sure, you may still be giving beggers food. But you know those F&$@#*S are stingy and only want candy.

Besides, if they decline your apple, then you have double the reason to beat the crap out of them, and take whatever candy they did manage to get away from them~!

At 2:34 AM, Blogger Beniki said...

I work at a language school for kids in Vietnam. Halloween just happened to fall on the weekend when we have most of our kids classes.


Apparently trick ot treating to my classes meant going to other classes and throwing as much crumpled up paper through the door as is humanly possible, whilst the kids inside try and throw it all out again.

On the one hand, I now have nightmares about tiny little Spidermen and Grim Reapers throwing paper at me. On the other, I'm pleased I now have a Vietnam flashback story.

You weren't there man... you weren't there...

At 8:13 AM, Blogger Paul said...

So uh...Is it just me.. or is this a cut and paste from last year's Halloween?

At 8:36 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

Not the whole thing, but it looks like some of the lines were copy/pasted, yeah.

At 9:01 AM, Blogger Paul said...

To give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd say that he has run into the same kids again. Aside from that, the familiarity is eerie.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Church said...

Kahsha, your profile says your in WV. So am I, so where do I get this container of alcohol next halloween? Buckets are containers right?

At 9:07 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...


Buckets are fine. It's strictly BYOB-ucket. Don't forget you have to be costumed, on foot and able to entertain me while consuming said bucket at my residence. ~.^

and yes WV... no, I don't know anyone around Richmond.
Why? Because it's a different f@#king state! lol XD

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Church said...

Entertain, while consuming a bucket of alcohol? I can totally pull that off.


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