Saturday, July 25, 2009

Games I HATE - Vol. 5

Offline Poker Games

I like playing poker.

A lot.

It is a challenging game that requires a great deal of strategy and patience. Each and every hand brings an entirely new set of calculations and judgment calls that take a day to learn and a lifetime to master.

The best, purest form of poker is playing it live, players sat around a table dealing cards and pushing chips.

If that isn't to your liking, you can always play online for money. It offers much the same challenge, but does make it harder to judge the other players.

Still, it is fun.

And hey, if you don't have any money, you can play online for free. You can sit down at the play chips tables and have all of the challenge without any investment.

Still fun.

Plus, the games are free. You can download countless iterations of this software for no money whatsoever.

Wow. They really do have all of their bases covered.

But... What if someone has no access to a live poker game, no money, AND no internet?

This is where I'd say F&%@ 'em, they're Amish.

Apparently, SEVERAL video game makers felt this was such an important market that they have made dozens of offline poker games.

I'm not even kidding. There are dozens of these things.

For pretty much every system.

I just have one question... Who the hell is buying these games?

I realize the internet is a frightening place what with our fascination with girls and cups in a 2 to 1 ratio, but is there really enough people to make this a viable market?

They somehow have the money to purchase a video game system and a game, but somehow don't have internet access?

What the hell is that?

The only people I could even possibly picture in this situation are also people who wouldn't have a shot in hell of owning a console. I really don't think there's some 85 year old who's scared of computers, but is warming up his Xbox 360.

You'd have to be nigh on retarded to fall into this strange subset of gamers.

Now, I'm not saying that these companies are preying on the ignorance of their customers.

That is what they're doing, but I didn't actually say it in those words.

That brings me to my next point...

These companies are preying on the ignorance of their customers.

Despite my fondness for all gamers, owning a console does not actually make you a gamer. There are countless mouth-breathing retards who have a game console simply because it was shiny.

Shiny.

These companies thrive because of people like this. It is because of people like this that shovelware even exists.

Well... Them and that aunt that knows you like the vidjeo games, but has no idea what you'd like.

Basically, just complete wastes of humanity.

Seriously, who could find these games fun? You're playing a card game for no money against no opponents. You can't even practice reading other players because THERE AREN'T ANY.

I swear to God, the fact that these games even exist is evidence of just how stupid our civilization can get.

Playing these games is like masturbating. You're doing it by yourself, but you're imagining someone else was playing with you.

Bah dump pshhh.

Actually... Playing these games is like paying someone else to let you masturbate.

Consumer>> Excuse me.
Consumer>> I'd like to purchase a free product.
Consumer>> But I'd also like it if it was way less useful than the free one.
Consumer>> Maybe a multiplayer game with no other people.
Company>> Do you have $30?
Consumer>> I think so.
Company>> That'll be $30.
Consumer>> I'll take ten please.

If anyone can explain how that is not an eerily accurate depiction of the situation, I'll be surprised.

Of course, anyone who'd own one of these games can't really read this.

Damned Amish people.

6 Comments:

At 10:40 PM, Blogger Jormy said...

first dragon

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger Rabid Ferrets of DOOM!!!™ said...

I wasn't even aware there were offline poker games.

(Poke her? I hardly know her!)

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger Andréas said...

I'd refer you to my first law of humanity (formulated after 15 years of intensive studies of people): People are stupid. Seriously.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger ZarkonGT said...

Well, I have to admit, the World Series of Poker games are primarily there to recreate that experience (as much as you can) for the people who couldn't possibly play there.

That said? It's a good way to learn the basics of the game /before/ you throw your money on the internet. There's one major drawback with playing online for free, after all: People treat those free chips like they're air, and play hands that are functionally retarded. A3o? SHOVE IT BAYBEE!! T3 Suited? OMG WINNING HAND SHOVE SHOVE SHOVE!!

At least the console games (not saying anything about PC ones here) help you at a minimal level.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger golden_knyte said...

well...me and my mom bought my dad a Wii (he used to be part of a group of guys that had poker night once a month, but it fell apart couple years ago). Then my uncle bought him the World Champion Poker game.

It was funny, about 3 days later I asked him how he liked it, he said he did but it was getting too easy to read the AI. Cut to a month later....he's got like $43 million in winnings. I couldnt help but laugh.

 
At 1:11 AM, Blogger Shade said...

I realize the internet is a frightening place what with our fascination with girls and cups in a 2 to 1 ratio, but is there really enough people to make this a viable market?

haha, i almost forgot about that one and i never thought i'd hear about it from you^^

awesome.

 

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