Games I HATE - Vol. 1Okay, before we get started, we need to set out some ground rules.
It'd be kind of unfair if I just started talking shit about plain old bad games. I could just log in, write about how Imagine Babiez is freaking retarded and call it a theme week.
You guys deserve a little more effort than that.
Instead, I will be sending the next seven days talking about games that are actually kind of popular that I just can't stand.
You may like these games. Indeed, they may be your favorite games of all time. That is entirely possible.
You are entitled to your opinion.
I'm just here to tell you that you are wrong.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Mario Kart Wii
Yes, I said it.
I F&%@ING hate Mario Kart.
Don't get me wrong. I still play that game. I've unlocked every character, every vehicle, and gotten a double star grade on every course.
I still hate this freaking game.
I know it is basically considered video game blasphemy to speak ill of the house of Mario, but Mario Kart Wii isn't really part of the regular series, so I don't think a Toadstool SWAT team is going to drop from the ceiling and execute me for saying that.
See? Told you so.
Mario Kart embodies everything that is wrong with all of the Mario offshoot games: Freaking stupid randomness.
Games are supposed to be about skill. We play video games because becoming better at them increase our success. This, in turn, makes the game more fun.
That's not true of Mario Kart.
You can be the best player in the freaking world. You can have a thirty second lead on everybody with the finish line in sight.
Your phenomenal skill and racing prowess means exactly squat when you get annihilated by two blue shells and then a red shell.
Then, you get the fun of watching someone you haven't seen since the first lap shoot past you and win the race.
Good for them.
That wasn't cheap at all.
I'll just be over here screaming into this pillow.
I realize this is a Mario racing game and isn't supposed to be an accurate racing simulation. I totally get that.
I'm not retarded.
Shells and stars and mushrooms are par for the freaking course. They're practically staples of the Mario series.
Still, there is a little thing called balance.
The people who designed Mario Kart have no idea what balance is.
I'm not saying don't have the blue shells. The blue shells are hella fun (if you happen to be losing). By all means, blue shell it up.
But give me something.
Give me a black shell that blows up the guy in second. Or give me some sort of missile defense system to stop the freaking blue shells.
No, when you are in the lead, you get either:
a) banana peels
b) trap boxes
c) more freaking banana peels
What the hell, Mario Kart guy?! What the hell is that all about?!
I'm pretty sure the lead designer came in second place in a race once. And now, he takes out all of his frustration on the innocent gamers of the world.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that there's actually a really fun game under there. Under all the random, bullshit, stupid freaking blue shell, goddamned Baby Mario cheap bastard racing past you crap, there is a game I'd probably actually like.
I've played my share of really shitty racing games. I mean games that would make you want to gouge your freaking eyes out.
I owned a PS2.
There is a good racing game under there.
WAY under there.
Near the core of the freaking Earth.
Under a damned, freaking blue shell.
DAMN YOU, BLUE SHELL! DAMN YOU!!!
I don't want to hate Mario Kart.
But I do.
I really, really do.
No, it was nothing.
Though, if you hear about someone found dead from being shot with Bullet Bills, you'll know what happened.