Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Games I HATE - Vol. 1

Okay, before we get started, we need to set out some ground rules.

It'd be kind of unfair if I just started talking shit about plain old bad games. I could just log in, write about how Imagine Babiez is freaking retarded and call it a theme week.

You guys deserve a little more effort than that.

Instead, I will be sending the next seven days talking about games that are actually kind of popular that I just can't stand.

You may like these games. Indeed, they may be your favorite games of all time. That is entirely possible.

You are entitled to your opinion.

I'm just here to tell you that you are wrong.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mario Kart Wii

Yes, I said it.

I F&%@ING hate Mario Kart.

Don't get me wrong. I still play that game. I've unlocked every character, every vehicle, and gotten a double star grade on every course.

I still hate this freaking game.

I know it is basically considered video game blasphemy to speak ill of the house of Mario, but Mario Kart Wii isn't really part of the regular series, so I don't think a Toadstool SWAT team is going to drop from the ceiling and execute me for saying that.



See? Told you so.

Mario Kart embodies everything that is wrong with all of the Mario offshoot games: Freaking stupid randomness.

Games are supposed to be about skill. We play video games because becoming better at them increase our success. This, in turn, makes the game more fun.

That's not true of Mario Kart.

You can be the best player in the freaking world. You can have a thirty second lead on everybody with the finish line in sight.




Your phenomenal skill and racing prowess means exactly squat when you get annihilated by two blue shells and then a red shell.

Then, you get the fun of watching someone you haven't seen since the first lap shoot past you and win the race.

Good for them.

That wasn't cheap at all.

I'll just be over here screaming into this pillow.

I realize this is a Mario racing game and isn't supposed to be an accurate racing simulation. I totally get that.

I'm not retarded.

Shells and stars and mushrooms are par for the freaking course. They're practically staples of the Mario series.

Still, there is a little thing called balance.

The people who designed Mario Kart have no idea what balance is.

I'm not saying don't have the blue shells. The blue shells are hella fun (if you happen to be losing). By all means, blue shell it up.

But give me something.

Give me a black shell that blows up the guy in second. Or give me some sort of missile defense system to stop the freaking blue shells.


No, when you are in the lead, you get either:

a) banana peels
b) trap boxes
c) more freaking banana peels

What the hell, Mario Kart guy?! What the hell is that all about?!

I'm pretty sure the lead designer came in second place in a race once. And now, he takes out all of his frustration on the innocent gamers of the world.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that there's actually a really fun game under there. Under all the random, bullshit, stupid freaking blue shell, goddamned Baby Mario cheap bastard racing past you crap, there is a game I'd probably actually like.

I've played my share of really shitty racing games. I mean games that would make you want to gouge your freaking eyes out.

I owned a PS2.

There is a good racing game under there.

WAY under there.

Near the core of the freaking Earth.

Under a damned, freaking blue shell.


I don't want to hate Mario Kart.

But I do.

I really, really do.


No, it was nothing.

Though, if you hear about someone found dead from being shot with Bullet Bills, you'll know what happened.


At 7:29 PM, Blogger BlueBlasphemy said...

I can totally agree w/this one hundred percent, but I'm still addicted to the damn game. It's a love/hate sort of thing, I guess. I love to hate it.

At 9:00 PM, Blogger Billlbo said...

I agree, but I think it is the lack of randomness that is the problem. If the items were all random for every racer, it wouldn't be that bad. The dreaded blue shell would be the rarity it is supposed to be and everyone would be forced to deal with only getting the crap items.

And it might have helped if they kept the ability to doge the blue shell like in all other entries in the series.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I thought for years only pathetic wussies played games like Mario Cart.

I love being right.

At 11:58 PM, Blogger Erubadhriel said...

banana peels can be useful. hang onto them and launch them just as someone comes up behind you. also good for deflecting any coloured shell except blue. also, screw you warios gold mine or whatever retarded name they gave that track. every single time i get knocked off the track by some bastard

At 12:15 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

I've never really played a Mario Kart game since the original on the SNES, and that one wasn't so cheap. One of these days, I need to pick up the Wii version.

Then again, I have a temper shorter than Gary Coleman. Perhaps it's best if I keep away from the sadistic racing game, considering I have a history of destroying controllers and even consoles out of extreme rage.

At 4:34 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

Kind of depressing to look back and realize that Mariokart 64 is still the best game of the series.

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Chewie said...

Hold down the launch button and it will hold the bananas behind you. That will stop all but the blue shell from destroying you.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

See what you need to do is just barely hold onto first place, if your very skilled it's easy to do without not actually losing. Then you watch the screen that shows everyone else's items, and the instant that you see a blue shell, drop back to second place, and the poor shmuck that just took the lead gets the hell blown out of him. Kind of funny too.

And a couple people mentioned the defensive abilities of bananas, that's important.

But just the bombs and bananas sucks, they really SHOULD give the leader a chance to get green shells, at the least.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Ryan said...

The wii has more or less abandoned any skill involved in their multiplayer games. Brawl is about it, and even that has a few quirks to give losing players a bit of a chance.

Still, it's fun as hell to play at a gathering ^_^;

At 7:22 PM, Blogger Volkai said...

The original Super Mario Kart still reigns supreme in Mario Kart games, if you ask me.

Why, you might ask?




At 5:35 AM, Blogger Tyler said...

lmao, people are going to think that I'm [GM]Dave now because what you said about Mario Kart is virtually word-for-word what I say to someone when I'm telling them my thoughts on the series.

At 3:56 AM, Blogger Fredrik said...

[GM]Dave might not have been first to say it, but he is damn right!

I found this on teh world wibe intarweb


At 3:58 PM, Blogger akun50000 said...

I totally agree. While I don't own it, I've played it enough to hate the blue shell.

I think the answer is shockingly simple: They should change it so that no NPC can get a blue shell. If it's not a player, no blue shells. NONE. EVER.

At 6:31 PM, Blogger TridenT said...

My real problem with the series, well over and beyond the blue shell, is rubberband AI. Mario Kart (especially 64, Wii, DS, and to a lesser extent Double Dash) feature the most absurd computer opponents ever to drive a non-sim racer. I can fully lap the person in 8th place, wiping out the 2nd place NPC with strategically placed weapon after weapon (read: bananas) and in the third lap will find him conspicuously ahead of the pack and well on his way to reclaiming 1st.

If I dominate the lower difficulty, I do not want them to try to make up for it by slithering up behind me regardless of my lead. I'll get to the high difficulty in a few minutes, quit struggling.

It is amusing, though, to see the minimap, which shows all the racers, when I destroy the 2nd place racer (sometimes even into a bottomless pit/lava), but since we've completed two races already this circuit and he's in 2nd place with points, he will rocket back to his CPU-intended position. It's just not amusing when he continues rocketing all the way to my backside.


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