Games I HATE - Vol. 2Madden
I'm sorry, but I just don't get football games.
I just don't.
This has been an on-going problem ever since I started playing video games. I'd pop in the cartridge/disc, randomly select plays, and then try and run the ball from 87 yards back.
As a sport, I can see the challenge of football. I can see the skill involved, the athleticism required. I can see that it is a difficult game with complex strategies.
As a video game...
I don't get it.
Every year, every single year, a new Madden game drops like a nuclear weapon and lays waste to the game sales charts. People line up for that shit.
And it's the same game every year.
Occasionally jerseys change.
But it's the same freaking game.
They're not even subtle about it. They don't even try and hide the similarities from us. Hell, they practically revel in it.
And still, the Madden fans eat that shit up.
I'm sure there is a type of person that the Madden games are designed for. I'm sure there is a kind of person who these games speak to on a pseudo-spiritual level.
I'm sure I'm not that type of person.
The menu screens pop up with what I'm sure are very nicely drawn plays, patterns of lines and players, runs and passes. Lots of them, each with their own subtle intricacies and interactions.
I almost feel bad for picking them at random.
Somewhere, on a couch filled with loose change and crushed doritos, a noble football aficionado, a digital grid-iron gladiator sits pouring over those screens making life or death (or second down) choices wearing a tattered football jersey stained not with blood and sweat, but with dried nacho cheese. He deliberates over each choice as if he were actually competing to win a Superbowl ring instead of a few bits in a save file.
I pick whichever screen looks like the one where I, the quarterback, run the ball towards their end of the field.
If I ever pass the ball, it means one of two things has happened:
1) I, in my infinite wisdom, have seen my play crumble around me and, as the opposing team rushes in to decapitate me, I throw the ball as one final hail Mary play
2) my finger slipped
I suck at football games.
There. I said it.
But I suck at them because I really don't see the value in getting better at it.
I'm sure I could scour websites and playbooks and slowly become a master of everything football. I could names plays and players. I could tell you who won the Heisman Trophy in 1998.
Ricky Williams, by the way.
I could do all of that.
But that sounds like a lot of freaking work.
I don't like work.
Madden is a very popular series. Madden is a staple amongst sports game players and practically a retail god.
Madden can kiss my ass.