Bannable Offenses

Something Is Wrong

Something is wrong in my house. Very, very wrong.

As you may have figured out, I'm kind of into the vidjeo games. They're kind of my thing.

Slowly though... The games have started to change.

It started with the DS. Instead of the nice, barely considered movement that previous game control schemes relied upon, we found ourselves having to move a stylus around to direct our characters.

Not too big a deal though. All it took was a little bit of extra work.

Then we got the Wii.

I was kind of put off by the whole Wiimote thing at first, but since it only required standing up and waving my arms around like a raving lunatic, I got used to it.

Put a drink in my hand and it's like any other day.

Then I won the Wii Fit.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love winning me some free stuff.

Yay, free stuff!

But at this point, I'm standing up, waving my arms, and doing aerobics the whole time. Step, step, wave, wave, step, step, sweat, sweat.

What the hell happened to video games?

Video games are meant to be played sat on a couch barely breathing, chip crumbs resting on your lap. The only thing that should be moving is your thumbs.

Occasionally, you may need to use an index finger for the trigger buttons.

But that's it.

Theoretically, someone viewing you from even a short distance away should have to wonder if you're even still alive. You should look like you're barely clinging to life.

That's what video games are all about.

The freaking Wii got me dancing and swinging my arms randomly (same thing), trying desperately to mimic something involving actual sports. I'm standing on a balance board on one foot, trying to do yoga while my game console calls me an unbalanced retard.

Fun.

If that wasn't all bad enough, Susan went out and picked up this EA Sports Active game.

Why? Dear God, Why?

We already had the Wii Fit. We already had a game that I tell people I play to stay (read: get) in shape, but don't actually play.

And this one came with... Well, I'm not entirely sure what it came with, but I sure as hell know I'm not using it.

Video games are supposed to be an inactive experience. If I wanted to play a sport, I'd go to that outdoors place where they keep all the fresh air.

That's what I love about FFXI and other MMORPGs: they don't try and bullshit you.

There's no "hey, get up and run around and we'll time you" crap.

We used to do that to the kid everyone hated playing with when I was a kid.

These games not only suggest, but encourage the player to sit still for hours (and hours and hours) at a time.

I remember one time when I played without moving for so long, when I actually went to stand up, I just fell over on the floor. My legs refused to respond to commands.

I took that as a sign that I shouldn't stand up at all.

FFXI doesn't make you swing your arms around every time you want to kill a monster. They don't make you swing a remote with every attack.

You'd be exhausted.

Well... Maybe not the Dark Knights.

But no. You want to play a Wii game, you're going to be swinging and hitting, punching and kicking.

Even Little Mac.

The Wii is quirky, I grant you. It's interesting and provacative, and is probably the future of console gaming.

Truly interactive games.

That is going to royally suck.

What about our beloved truly interINactive games? What about our "sit on the sofa and watch yourself get fatter by the second" games?

Something is very wrong when I need to stand up and run a marathon just to get my game on.

I love getting sweaty as much as anyone.

Unfortunately, I usually like to play games afterwards.

Yes, yes. You can go on and on about other systems and about how I don't have to play it if I don't want to.

Not the point.

The point is that this fitness crap is starting to take over the video game genre. Game after game of "get up and do shit" games are competing for market space while plain old entertainment is getting kicked in the gnads.

I know. I'm so eloquent.

They're coming for you, too, you know. The PS3 already has motion controls (that occasionally work) and Microsoft just patented a "magic wand" controller for the Xbox 360.

No one is safe.

We need to stand up and tell the video game companies to knock this shit off.

Actually... We need to sit down and tell them.

Standing up is for suckers.

The world could learn a lot from the MMORPG community. We, as a group, are just fine with having games designed for entertainment and entertainment alone.

You keep your gyms out of my living room.

I'll keep my games out of your... Gym... Place... Thingy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go sit in one spot barely moving for fourteen hours.

Just like nature intended.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:20 PM