Saturday, May 16, 2009

[GM]Dave: The College Years 6


Hazing is one of those college traditions that everyone knows exists, but no one really knows WHY it exists. Everyone except the few people actually doing the hazing hate the entire idea.

Hell, most people find the idea down right offensive.

So, why, oh why, does this tradition exist?

Basically, from my extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that hazing exists because people, as a whole, are assholes.

Exhibits A through L

You're shocked, I can tell.

You are, no doubt, itching to hear some great story about [GM]Dave getting hazed, forced to eat dog food or marshmallows of questionable origin.

Yeah... Didn't really happen.

One of my very first days in the dorms, I was walking around, trying to get familiar with the place, when I saw a girl practically in tears.

No, I am not the reason she was in tears.

I get that a lot. I actually reduced many girls to tears during college.

It was almost my major.

Apparently, she had lost her keys and housing was telling her she was going to have to pay an excessive amount of money to get the lock replaced. Then she said something about not having the money and her parents killing her... I wasn't really paying attention.

She was hot though, so yeah.

Since I was walking around anyway, I told her I'd help her look.

15 minutes later, I find her keys kicked behind a wastebasket at the end of a hallway. I give her her keys and we go on our respective ways.

Pretty uneventful, huh? I thought so, too. It wasn't until later that I found out that "crying girl" was actually named "girlfriend of RA".

I also found out that I was now under protection.

Yes, even I am surprised by how lucky I am sometimes.

Better lucky than good.

I then spent the rest of that semester watching my fellow freshmen getting hazed while I, the chosen one, walked through unscathed.

I almost felt bad.


Now, I will be the first to admit that this probably annoyed the other freshmen. They were, no doubt, rather unhappy about the situation.

No one said anything, but you could tell they weren't happy.

Maybe it was my natural intuition.

Maybe it was my empathy for others.

Maybe it was coming home from class to find my door nailed shut.

There's no way to be certain.

Honestly, I didn't really blame them. I'd be pretty pissed off too if they were me.

Still, despite the fact that I probably deserved it, I could not let this stand. If I left them get away with this, there's no telling what they would do next.

Plus, [GM]Dave ain't nobody's bitch.

My plan had to be perfect. Cold, methodical, and cruel.

Step 1) purchase a large quantity of beer

Step 2) purchase a large quantity of glasses

Step 3) fill glasses

Step 4) stack glasses in front of door while victim's sleeping

It's a perfect plan.

So, once I found out who was responsible, I waited patiently for them to fall asleep and then I constructed a barricade of glasses in front of their door. Truly, it was a feat of engineering to rival the pyramids, l'Arc de Triomphe, or a slightly bigger wall made out of plastic cups.

The next morning, they opened their door to find a wall composed of cups and amber liquid.

With no other option, they knocked down the wall and let the beer rain down around them.

If only it was beer...

If you go back to the plan, you'll notice that at no point did I say you didn't drink the beer before you filled the cups.

Man, if you thought they were pissed off before...


At 4:41 PM, Blogger nattr85 said...

You are truly evil. I bow to your superior methods of torment.

At 5:16 PM, Blogger Kei said...


At 6:04 PM, Blogger George said...

May I never offend you..

At 8:05 PM, Blogger james said...

Forgive me oh merciful one... but how did you manage to fill up all the glasses?

At 10:13 PM, Blogger Kerestel said...

ok james apparently you were reading! congratulations you are functionally retarded. thats what the mass quantities of BEER were for! you try drinking 2 beers in under 2 minutes and see if you dont have to piss like there is no tomorrow. its a scientific fact that alcohol makes you piss

At 10:23 PM, Blogger David said...

"Man, if you thought they were pissed off before..."

Ahhh true Irony.

At 1:15 AM, Blogger Lian said...

Just popping in to say that hazing exists because it makes the people being hazed into a tight group that will stick together, and that has a great loyalty to the society that hazed them. It's a psychology thing called 'cognitive dissonance'. Your mind tells you this: "You have been hazed, it was awful - apparently that means the society that you're a part of now is really great, because why else would you have let yourself be hazed like that?"

Aaanyway, love your blog, bye!

At 1:23 AM, Blogger Faraque said...

Better pissed off than pissed on >.>

Oh well, sucks to be them :)

At 4:12 AM, Blogger Hannah said...

What is hazing? (I'm British)

At 6:32 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

My personal favorite prank was one pulled on an entire floor. The third floor of a building, to be precise. That floor was filled with assholes. So one night, while everyone was asleep, I stuck a cow up there. Fun fact: Cows will go UP stairs easily enough, but no power on heaven or earth can get them to go DOWN stairs.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Beer piss tip: It is perfectly fine to accumulate said piss in a empty 2 or 3 litre bottle. Have your friends fill it up with you, or maybe even a gal if you can find a sick, nasty one. Pour at your leisure. Please note that after a couple of weeks, it smells wonderful as well. Really...wonderful. x.x


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