Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Console Slap Fight

Can someone please explain to me what the hell is going on in the console wars?

Honestly, the whole thing is getting a little embarrassing.

Do you remember when the console wars really meant something? Sony was bringing some serious heat, Microsoft was fighting their way into the market, and Nintendo was the kid nobody talked to.

Oh... Hey... You've got a Gamecube.

That's... Nice.

I guess.

That was a freaking war.

You had the champion, the PS2, standing on top of the heap with a huge variety of hits and a stable full of successful franchises.

He was the king.

Then, the Xbox came out and we finally had a worthy contender. Sure, it had a lot of catching up to do, but it had superior graphics and brought some really popular titles with it.

Halo, anyone?

And the Gamecube...

Well, the Gamecube released a game every three or four months.

If you owned a Gamecube (for some reason) and happened to have a handful of money, you may have purchased it.

It was a classic battle. The hardened pro, the dashing rookie...

And a Gamecube.

Okay, I'll give Nintendo the handheld market. Basically, the only handheld system was the Gameboy / Gameboy Advance.

Or the seventy eight other versions of the Gameboy.

That's not exactly a great accomplishment. You won the only category where you had zero competition.

Way to go.

Still, it was beautiful. You had everything you needed to get a nice argument going about which system was the best.

Everything made sense.

Then the Xbox 360 came out.

Holy shit.

That thing was freaking amazing. The graphics were unbelievable.

Sure, there weren't any really great games, but look how good those mediocre games looked.

Here we go. The PS2 was still the champion in the console world, but Microsoft had ushered in the next generation.

And it was good.

Yeah, a few houses burned down and pretty much every 360 ever ends up dying repeatedly if you even look at it.

Still... Next gen.

The future was here.

And it worked occasionally.

Oh, the war was going to heat up now.

Definitely.

Oh, hey. Isn't that cute? Nintendo is coming out with another system.

And they're not focusing on graphics or power.

And they named it after man junk.

... Yeah.

Then the PS3 was released.

Finally! The next gen battle was going to bring us back to the classic days of the last console war. We'd finally see the two major contenders go head-to-head.

At least they would have, if the PS3 didn't cost more than some small European countries.

But... But it still had a stable of great games, right?

No?

Shit.

It's backwards compatible, though. They couldn't possibly have screwed that up.

Really? They screwed that up?

Damn.

Then... Then the whole freaking world went insane. The 360 was poised to take over as champion and...

Then the Wii happened.

Apparently, making a console that actually works and actually plays games is more profitable than making a console that looks really, really shiny.

Who would have guessed?

So, now the Wii is the champion, the Xbox360 is still the plucky challenger...

And the PS3 is the guy no one talks to.

Now, this is where it gets weird.

This is the point where anyone with even the remotest grain of sense could figure out a strategy to help their company take control.

The Wii could focus on their major franchises and on bringing new and strong titles to their system.

You know, really set that foothold.

The Xbox 360 could focus on being the "hardcore" console. They could quit worrying about the Wii and settle on one important demographic.

The PS3...

Well, they could try and figure out what in the hell they're doing.

And what are the companies doing?

Well, the Wii is focusing on releasing as many games as possible while completely ignoring their major franchises.

Oh, let's not forget they're releasing Gamecube games for the Wii.

You know, the Wii that can already play Gamecube games.

No, you read that right. It just doesn't make any sense.

And what are Microsoft and Sony doing?

Well, they're making charts.

I'm not kidding. All of their major announcements recently have involved charts that explain just how awesome their console is and how the other guys suck.

Do you know that people really love?

Charts.

Oh, who needs video games?

Or entertainment?

Or fun?

You've got freaking charts.

That's the ticket.

This is the time for these guys to be deep in the trenches and fighting for every player. They should be working every minute of every day to make the ultimate console.

Instead...

Charts.

Lots of charts.

Apparently, the winner of the console war is Microsoft.

Microsoft Powerpoint.

27 Comments:

At 7:19 PM, Blogger Kensei said...

I laughed long and hard.

Brilliant as always.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger R_Mc said...

GM Dave you are a genious.

 
At 7:47 PM, Blogger Edwin said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger Edwin said...

So true. Its hard to choose anything for a new console

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger Dorian Mode said...

That last line? A real literary sucker punch. KO!

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger Hikikomori said...

Don't forget all the best selling games for the 3 consoles are Gimmicks! WiiFit, RockBand, and LittleBigPlanet... Ok well i Love LittleBigPlanet but anyways... you get my point.. kinda.

 
At 11:11 PM, Blogger RSS adder said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 11:11 PM, Blogger RSS adder said...

"And they named it after man junk."

"Well, they could try and figure out what in the hell they're doing."

Those ones received a great laugh.

Oh how the tides have turned in the console war...

 
At 11:46 PM, Blogger Paul said...

So wait, when you told us those who donated for the upcoming fanpack would get small European countries, you never said anything about them costing less than a PS3. I could get three right now, or wait for you to take over the world and have one... Wheres my instant gratification, Dave?

Besides, ya know, in your blog. But I want small European instant gratifcation!


That sounded dirtier than I had hoped.

 
At 12:08 AM, Blogger Elazar said...

Wiiiiiiiiiiii.... splurt.

I lol'd.

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

Nintendo would have been better if they kept the Revolution name.

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger Chris said...

A few people DID talk to Gamecube.

Granted they talked to him like the six fingered kid with Down syndrome who gets covered in mashed potatoes every Thanksgiving dinner, but they talked to him.

The Dreamcast on the other hand...

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

The Dreamcast was murdered by pirates. My friend bought a Dreamcast, and had 150 games for it. He didn't pay for a single game.

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger VLD said...

Sony could A) stop pimping Home as this great thing; B) actually make Home this great thing; C) man up and get Square to make the FFVII remake that they demoed a video of back in 2006. The bastard would sell!

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger Jaszon said...

I owned a gamecube so i could play Skies of Arcadia: Legends (which is a port of Skies of Arcadia from the dreamcast + all the downloadable content it had)

That's it. i own one game for it. I've played one more that wasn't worthless.. what was it.. Time Splitters? something like that.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Hey, the Gamecube wasn't that bad. It was...

Well, it, er...

OK, screw it, I only bought it for Tales of Symphonia. And I ended up getting into Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door too. So yeah, 2 quality games. Woo.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Tristan Kain said...

Powerpoint as the big winner. Well put.

Whosoever gets that FF7 remake will win this round of the war. Period. We all know this, so they should just get it over with.

...is it just me, or do the game developers suddenly have more clout that the console manufacturers? When the hell did -that- happen?

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger Ainoa said...

Oh god, shitballs. I've always tried not to laugh at your posts but god DAMN.

Microsoft.

Powerpoint.

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger Nick said...

Wow, the PS3 has a horrible image now. We should totally fire their PR guy. You know what, let's even give it a new, fresh, adorable name!

The PS3 shall now be called Fish, since fish is no longer taken :D

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger Paul said...

You know what, the GameCube has Super Smash Bros Melee! That's all it needs.

 
At 9:51 PM, Blogger Zaejue Dhel said...

I agree with you Dave
it is an outrage
PlayStation should have made with games

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

As usual, I'm behind on the consoles. I wanted a PS2 so bloody badly when it came out. Then i got a Dreamcast. Then when the PS3 came out, I wanted it. Then my pocket fainted. So I thought, XBox. Nope, RROD problem. Well, Wii then. Oh wait, those graphics are from ten years ago.

You know what? I'm just going to get a DS and hide in my room. The three big players can go jerk off. They suddenly turned into plain idiots.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger semele said...

Um, the PS3 also plays blu-rays.

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger Fulluphigh said...

I love the gamecube bashing in hur. Mm, Zelda, Metroid, Super Smash Brothers, Mario, Starfox. Sure, we didn't get as large a surplus of playable games as the PS3 did, but I have always prefered the variety of the Cube over the everygoddamnedjrpgever of the ps2.

Odd tastes, I know.

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger Tiger's Lair said...

Okay. Don't sleep on the PS3. I have one. The graphics are sweet and I am able to play PS1 on PS2 games on it. That's how I play my FFXI. I've always been a Sony girl. Had all 3 consoles, plus had Gameboy Advance & PSP.

 
At 5:55 AM, Blogger Zero said...

Hah, so true.

It's funny really, I currently use my PS2 more than I use any of my other consoles, my 360 is second, and the Wii is last by miles(I don't class mini game games as games, which in that respect the Wii's hadly got any games for it). Such a shame.

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger Hale said...

PS3's still have some(like sooooo little) japanese market. For people like me who crave for some japanese games, I think I might get a ps3 in the distant(light years) future.

 

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