[GM]Dave's Regrets - Vol. 4Okay, yesterday's regret was a little deeper than my usual stories.
It was also significantly less funny.
To make that up to you, I've decided to tell you one of my deepest regrets that, while incredibly painful for me to relive, is more amusing.
I swear on everything I hold dear, this story is entirely 100% true. I am not going to embellish or exaggerate any detail for comedic effect.
You're probably not going to believe that.
To give you some idea why, this story could well have started with "Dear Penthouse..."
Bow chikka wow wow.
I was still a teenager. Don't worry though, I was 16 or 17. This isn't some creepy "when I was twelve" type stories.
It was a perfectly normal day. I wasn't in school, so I'm guessing it was a Saturday.
Most of my day was spent playing some SNES. My best friend was out of town, so I was kind of left with nothing else to do. You know, stuck playing video games by myself.
Any other Saturday, I'd have been doing something much more exciting.
Like playing video games with my best friend.
Anyway, later in the afternoon, my neighbor showed up at my house.
More aptly, it was our neighbor's 16 year old daughter.
Bow chikka wow wow.
We had been friends for a while, but not particularly close friends. We'd talk when we ran into each other and we'd hang out from time to time. She was pretty cool.
Also, hot as all hell.
She asked me if I wanted to come over to her place to "hang out."
I use quotation marks because that's the way it sounded. The way she said it suggested "hanging out" was not what she had in mind.
Being a young man, I was VERY interested in finding out what alternate definition she might be using.
I went with her.
So, I'm heading over to my neighbor's house following closely behind his insanely hot daughter.
While I wrote that sentence, I made up my mind that if I ever see a boy trailing closely behind my daughter, I'm going to cut off any part of his body that is too close for my liking.
We get to her place and walk into her kitchen.
Where we find her best friend, Leslie.
Bow chikka wow wow.
I swear I'm not making this up.
She was leaning against the kitchen table and whatever I'd heard in my neighbor's voice was practically dancing in this girl's eyes.
They started with the coy flirting, but they were luckily as subtle as a kick in the face with a steel toed boot.
I say luckily because at this point, certain parts of my brain had started to slowly melt.
This may or may not have been related to the lack of blood in the upper portions of my body.
Pretty soon, they weren't even being subtle about it. They were doing everything in their power to drive me insane.
And it was working.
I was trying to look cool and collected. I like to look back and think I succeeded admirably, but for some reason, I doubt it. Something about being a 16 or 17 year old boy watching two hot chicks flirting just doesn't lend itself to coolness.
Here's where things got really hot. They basically said outright that they wanted to have sex with me.
Both of them.
At the same time.
I know you figured that out and saying that was entirely unnecessary, but I added it for emphasis.
Plus just saying it is awesome.
As a young, verile man, there was really only one thing I could do.
I swear to God. I made up an excuse and left.
Just got up and left.
Honestly, I still have no idea why. I have no idea what could possibly have gone through my head, my mind, my brain that made leaving that situation seem like the best course of action.
They could have had guns and I'd have stayed just to see how it played out.
But no. Two hot girls are coming on to me and I decided I should get back to my game of Super Mario World.
To this day, this one event haunts me. I search my mind for some shred of reason as to why I would ever, ever, EVER leave that house.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I swear, if they EVER invent a time machine, I'm going to go back in time and punch myself in the brainpan until I forget algebra.
Actually, I'll go back to that morning, tell myself to man up and THEN punch myself in the brainpan.
I've done some terrible, terrible things in my time. I've done a lot of things that I would later regret.
Do you know what I haven't done?
Two hot chicks.