Thursday, October 15, 2009

[GM]Dave's Regrets - Vol. 4

Okay, yesterday's regret was a little deeper than my usual stories.

It was also significantly less funny.

To make that up to you, I've decided to tell you one of my deepest regrets that, while incredibly painful for me to relive, is more amusing.

I swear on everything I hold dear, this story is entirely 100% true. I am not going to embellish or exaggerate any detail for comedic effect.

You're probably not going to believe that.

To give you some idea why, this story could well have started with "Dear Penthouse..."

Oh yeah.

Bow chikka wow wow.

I was still a teenager. Don't worry though, I was 16 or 17. This isn't some creepy "when I was twelve" type stories.

It was a perfectly normal day. I wasn't in school, so I'm guessing it was a Saturday.

Most of my day was spent playing some SNES. My best friend was out of town, so I was kind of left with nothing else to do. You know, stuck playing video games by myself.

Any other Saturday, I'd have been doing something much more exciting.

Like playing video games with my best friend.

Anyway, later in the afternoon, my neighbor showed up at my house.

More aptly, it was our neighbor's 16 year old daughter.

Bow chikka wow wow.

We had been friends for a while, but not particularly close friends. We'd talk when we ran into each other and we'd hang out from time to time. She was pretty cool.

Also, hot as all hell.

She asked me if I wanted to come over to her place to "hang out."

I use quotation marks because that's the way it sounded. The way she said it suggested "hanging out" was not what she had in mind.

Being a young man, I was VERY interested in finding out what alternate definition she might be using.

I went with her.


So, I'm heading over to my neighbor's house following closely behind his insanely hot daughter.

While I wrote that sentence, I made up my mind that if I ever see a boy trailing closely behind my daughter, I'm going to cut off any part of his body that is too close for my liking.

We get to her place and walk into her kitchen.

Where we find her best friend, Leslie.

Bow chikka wow wow.

I swear I'm not making this up.

She was leaning against the kitchen table and whatever I'd heard in my neighbor's voice was practically dancing in this girl's eyes.

They started with the coy flirting, but they were luckily as subtle as a kick in the face with a steel toed boot.

I say luckily because at this point, certain parts of my brain had started to slowly melt.

This may or may not have been related to the lack of blood in the upper portions of my body.

Pretty soon, they weren't even being subtle about it. They were doing everything in their power to drive me insane.

And it was working.

I was trying to look cool and collected. I like to look back and think I succeeded admirably, but for some reason, I doubt it. Something about being a 16 or 17 year old boy watching two hot chicks flirting just doesn't lend itself to coolness.

Here's where things got really hot. They basically said outright that they wanted to have sex with me.

Both of them.

At the same time.

I know you figured that out and saying that was entirely unnecessary, but I added it for emphasis.

Plus just saying it is awesome.

As a young, verile man, there was really only one thing I could do.

I left.

I swear to God. I made up an excuse and left.

I left.

Just got up and left.

Honestly, I still have no idea why. I have no idea what could possibly have gone through my head, my mind, my brain that made leaving that situation seem like the best course of action.

They could have had guns and I'd have stayed just to see how it played out.

But no. Two hot girls are coming on to me and I decided I should get back to my game of Super Mario World.

To this day, this one event haunts me. I search my mind for some shred of reason as to why I would ever, ever, EVER leave that house.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I swear, if they EVER invent a time machine, I'm going to go back in time and punch myself in the brainpan until I forget algebra.

Actually, I'll go back to that morning, tell myself to man up and THEN punch myself in the brainpan.

I've done some terrible, terrible things in my time. I've done a lot of things that I would later regret.

Do you know what I haven't done?

Two hot chicks.



At 7:56 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Dear god, what the hell is wrong with you?

I would have wished for that to happen when I was 16-17, I'd wish it to happen now. He'll, I've been wishing it would happen since I hit puberty.

Dear god man!

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Sword said...

I dunno it was actually a pretty smart move. Being this was his neighbor he would have absolutely no way to run and hide if shit hit the fan. You know her dad wouldve been gunning for him first chance he left the house if they were ever caught or he got either of them pregnet.

Then there is the blackmail. Girls are evil, and I know many who would love to find any way to make men their bitch.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

@Sword: Blackmail? Dave could have easily turned this around and threatened to tell the neighbor about his slutty daughter.

It's okay Dave, you were a nerd with no balls when you were younger. We all have some equally depressing story about shying away from some amazing sexual conquest.


At 9:13 PM, Blogger Josh said...

WTF!!!! There is something seriously wrong with your younger self. Even as a 17 year old guy who spends most of his time on XI, if that had ever happened to me, i would have put the keyboard down, let my party die cause im probably the healer, and gone and done them.

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Jeff said...

Where as I can understand your regret. I must say, I'm proud of you, Dave.

At 9:52 PM, Blogger Will said...

If I could ban you, I would.

At 2:05 AM, Blogger Beltayn said...

I would have fled too...

There's one thing I've learned through life and innumerable horror movies.

Hot girls who want to have sex with you are hiding something and it's probably not going to be pleasant for you in the end.

They're either going to try and implant something into you... or feed on you.. or something, something that isn't vaguely sexy..and yes, I know the previous two examples could be construed as extre... ok, look, let's just move on. Hell, I could type 'cat shit' right now and some of you would still find it sexy. Sicko's. 'Cat Shit'. See?

Good call Dave, you'll probably be one of the only few guys with a chance at surviving the coming zombie apocalypse.

At 3:48 AM, Blogger Kenny said...

Man, you could have had two chicks at the same time WITHOUT a million dollars.

At 4:30 AM, Blogger Salt said...

I don't blame ya.

A "unlikely" situation like this is not something most people mentally prepare for before hand.

I would have freaked out and bailed too.

Not to mention as someone pointed out, if shit hits the fan, you will have to be dealing with said neighbour ... until you move.

At 6:19 AM, Blogger Tim said...

I don't care what these other people say it just something you shouldn't have done no matter what...

Like someone else said... You should be banned!

At 6:24 AM, Blogger Jguy said...

Damnit Dave, DAMNIT.

At 7:40 AM, Blogger The Ogre (aka, Matt) said...

Holy shit dude. Wow. I mean, I can see a little bit of panic, but to back out? That blows a lot of my regrets right out of the water though, so thanks. I guess.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger David said...

Honestly, maybe it was for the best? Maybe if you went with them your entire life would have changed? Never met your wife, never had your kid... Never played FFXI..

But man in me is still just asking "what the crap?" <_<

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Sven said...

Thank you, Dave, for making me feel as though anything I ever have done or will do pales in comparison to how terribly retarded that was. I'm much happier with my life now.

Seriously though... You really did that? >____<

At 11:41 AM, Blogger Chrono Fantasy said...

I know people are saying that shit can hit the fan and somehow if you did these two girls then the father could find out and it could be a lot of trouble if you're all neighbours, but what you should have done is had sex with those two, and right away convinced your parents to move far, far away so that you didn't have to worry about any regrets or consequences later.

It would have certainly been a win-win case for you. Poor Dave.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger RyRy said...

You do know they was just trying to make you feel uneasy, i doubt they would have had sex with you, but in other aspects....iam 17 and i would have jumped at the chance =P.......

Then played some mario.

I like booblars.

At 1:15 PM, Blogger Leut said...

This explains why you did not do it, Dave.

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

You know what would have happened if you'd stayed? They would have convinced you to drop your pants, gotten you into some extremely incriminating pose, then tied you up, pulled out the camera and laughed all the way to the printers to make lifesize color copies of that shit because you know what??? That stuff never happens in real life!
You shouldn't regret not having sex with them but you should definitely regret not staying to call their bluff. I was once a 17 year old girl and I think more likely than not they were just testing the extent of their newly found sexual power over boys.
Girls are evil, twisted and psychotic... I should know.

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Blueyez...I'll bring the camera...

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Justin said...

I think this explains were all the inner rage comes from. You really just hate yourself for backing out. Here's something to bake your noodle though. Seeing as she's YOUR spawn, in 15 or 16 years or so that could be YOUR daughter and her best friend manipulating some poor lonely video game nerd.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

Hey, you don't know how many hot girls I turned down because of that freakin Special level. Seriously, I hate Tubular.

..most of that was a lie.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

Man, I'm a lady two and I'm glad Dave didn't do it. I'm pretty sure those girls weren't really looking for a threesome.

Boys, us girls are cruel, cruel people in our teen years. Don't ever forget that.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

^too instead of two. My brain went on vacation, apparently.

At 7:59 PM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

I have this hunch that I'd probably have done the same thing if I'd gotten the chance.

The difference is that you GOT the chance.

Damn you.

Hey Dave, do you ever open large, suspicious packages that arrive in your mail, presumably from fans? Just asking.

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Mattoxic said...

I gotta say dave - from the sound of it you were deffinatly about to get fucked. Just not in the sence you'd have thought...


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