Bannable Offenses

Oh... The Pain...

This happens every year.

Every single year.

I wake up with the best of intentions. I plan an entire day of uninterrupted gaming scheduled around gorging myself on turkey and other turkey-adjacent foods.

A whole day of fun and getting some serious shit done in game. Got to camp a few NMs and maybe do some crafting. Run a few missions in the afternoon.

Whatever.

A whole day just for me.

And then... We eat.

You'd think there would be some part of the human brain that tells you to stop freaking eating because you're about to pass out. That might help you stop before your stomach is distended and you're praying for death.

I was in so much pain after I ate that I honestly thought I was going to die.

It was everything I could do just to eat that slice of pie.

My whole day of gaming ruined. I couldn't drag myself out of my tryptophan-induced coma long enough to grab a controller, let alone be in anyway productive in a game.

Yeah, Mario... You're going to have to save that bitch by yourself. I'mma take a nap over here.

Tell Toadstool that he's an annoying little F&%@er when you see him.

How can anyone be expected to actually sit up and play video games that require focus and concentration when I can feel like I'm about to explode?

Hell, how can anyone be expected to actually sit up?

I have no idea why I do this to myself? There'll still be turkey left tomorrow.

I can eat it in front of the television while watching news reports over someone getting beaten to death for the last Dora the Explorer doll.

Fun.

But no. I have to eat as much as can physically fit into my torso as quickly as humanly possible.

That's the whole point of Thanksgiving: eating until you are in too much pain to move around.

Yeah, yeah. All that giving thanks bullshit. If you actually believe that, I've got a wonderful bridge I'd like to sell you.

No, Turkey Day is about turkey.

That's it. Vegetarians be damned.

It is my privilege, nay my right to eat enough food to feed a third world family for a month.

There are children starving in India.

And I aim to keep it that way.

Still, you'd think after so many years of being on this planet, I would have learned just the slightest bit of moderation when it comes to Thanksgiving.

I'm not a stupid guy. I learn quickly.

Don't drop babies. See, I learned that after the third time.

Fast learner.

But put me at a table with a near endless supply of turkey and get ready for an afternoon of groaning and bitching.

And napping.

And more eating.

I'm not kidding. I'm here in physical pain and, for some reason I do not understand, I'm sitting here still eating.

And I'm going to keep eating until they have to cut a wall out of my house to drag my lifeless body to the hospital.

Anything less would be incredibly disrespectful to the pilgrims or Mayans or whatever.

Happy Turkey Day, people.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:36 PM