Thursday, November 26, 2009

Oh... The Pain...

This happens every year.

Every single year.

I wake up with the best of intentions. I plan an entire day of uninterrupted gaming scheduled around gorging myself on turkey and other turkey-adjacent foods.

A whole day of fun and getting some serious shit done in game. Got to camp a few NMs and maybe do some crafting. Run a few missions in the afternoon.


A whole day just for me.

And then... We eat.

You'd think there would be some part of the human brain that tells you to stop freaking eating because you're about to pass out. That might help you stop before your stomach is distended and you're praying for death.

I was in so much pain after I ate that I honestly thought I was going to die.

It was everything I could do just to eat that slice of pie.

My whole day of gaming ruined. I couldn't drag myself out of my tryptophan-induced coma long enough to grab a controller, let alone be in anyway productive in a game.

Yeah, Mario... You're going to have to save that bitch by yourself. I'mma take a nap over here.

Tell Toadstool that he's an annoying little F&%@er when you see him.

How can anyone be expected to actually sit up and play video games that require focus and concentration when I can feel like I'm about to explode?

Hell, how can anyone be expected to actually sit up?

I have no idea why I do this to myself? There'll still be turkey left tomorrow.

I can eat it in front of the television while watching news reports over someone getting beaten to death for the last Dora the Explorer doll.


But no. I have to eat as much as can physically fit into my torso as quickly as humanly possible.

That's the whole point of Thanksgiving: eating until you are in too much pain to move around.

Yeah, yeah. All that giving thanks bullshit. If you actually believe that, I've got a wonderful bridge I'd like to sell you.

No, Turkey Day is about turkey.

That's it. Vegetarians be damned.

It is my privilege, nay my right to eat enough food to feed a third world family for a month.

There are children starving in India.

And I aim to keep it that way.

Still, you'd think after so many years of being on this planet, I would have learned just the slightest bit of moderation when it comes to Thanksgiving.

I'm not a stupid guy. I learn quickly.

Don't drop babies. See, I learned that after the third time.

Fast learner.

But put me at a table with a near endless supply of turkey and get ready for an afternoon of groaning and bitching.

And napping.

And more eating.

I'm not kidding. I'm here in physical pain and, for some reason I do not understand, I'm sitting here still eating.

And I'm going to keep eating until they have to cut a wall out of my house to drag my lifeless body to the hospital.

Anything less would be incredibly disrespectful to the pilgrims or Mayans or whatever.

Happy Turkey Day, people.


At 2:56 AM, Blogger Kahsha said...

Happy Turkey Day!
Happy Post-Turkey Day!

I spent the majority of yesterday supine.

Today... I spend staring across a counter wishing I had a handgun.

Thanks for shopping! Get the fuck out!

At 5:07 AM, Blogger Tidusjnr said...

well we don't have thanksgiving here in Cyprus so I don't have to worry =P

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Blueyez said...

Happy belated Turkey Day. Mine was a month ago and I'm all out of turkey now dammit!
We don't have Black Friday up here in Canada and I'm not sure whether to be thankful for that or jealous. It would make for some inexpensive Christmas shopping if I had the balls to brave that madness.

At 10:09 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

Its called Black Friday because its the beginning of the Dark Ages...and it doesn't get any brighter until December 26...

"Peace On Earth Goodwill towards men" my ass! Its the start of Chrismahannuakwanzaka, and you'd better GTFO of the way or granny will run your ass over getting that parking spot two miles away from the nearest mall enterance.

Its called "Thanksgiving" because you give thanks for surviving the last holiday season...and hope to survive this one...


At 5:55 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

There are children starving in India.

And I aim to keep it that way.

Laughing so hard at this. I'm a terrible person. =p

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Hr8mph said...

I believe the original poster is even worse, for being the one who actually posted it xD

Seriously though, that was one great line ;)

Keep it up Dave!

At 2:34 PM, Blogger PV said...

At 4:13 AM, Blogger alex said...

i'm pretty fucking sure this is exactly what was posted a few turkey days ago... wtf


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