Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave's Regrets - Vol. 3

A lot of people ask me why my mother and I have the relationship that we do.

It's kind of like a love-hate relationship, except I don't actually know if she loves me anymore.

I'm pretty sure that stopped after the third time I banned her.

I think it was the third time.

Well, a lot of that goes back to my childhood. More specifically, one of my biggest regrets from my childhood.

Aren't you glad that I'm doing a whole week of drudging up my emotional baggage for you? I'm going to need months of therapy (electroshock or otherwise) to adequately repress these things again.

I'm not sure how old I was. I know I was fairly young, but I can't put a specific age on the memory.

Here's what I do remember:

1) I wanted some grapes

2) my mother told me no

3) I really wanted some goddamned grapes

Yes, it is an incredibly vibrant detailed memory. I was a random age and I wanted some grapes. Truly, I have painted a mental scene for you.

It's like Lord of the Rings except with less Hobbits and more grapes.

I should also point out that I am going for the Guinness world record for most times using the word 'grape' in a blog post.

Grapes grapes grapes.

So, I'm a young child who desperately wants a bowl of grapes, but has been told he's not allowed to have grapes.

What do I do?

Do I:

a) accept defeat?

b) ask my mother to reconsider?

c) say screw it and get them myself?

Forget that shit. I was getting me some grapes.

Step 1 was get a bowl. The bowls were on a high shelf, so I had to get a chair and climb on top of the counter to get one.

I'm standing on the counter and reaching into the cabinet with the dishes.

Side note: my father had just recently purchased my mother an incredibly beautiful, incredibly expensive tea cup for her birthday.

It was also incredibly fragile.

This will be an important fact.

As I was reaching for the bowl, I remember thinking that I should watch out for the...

And then my elbow hit it.

For a sickening second, it hung in mid-air. It just sort of tilted and I had time to register that it had gone past the tipping point. Then, gravity took over.

Smash.

My mother had an entire cupboard of stupid, cheap mugs and tea cups. All worth about three and a half cents.

I knocked over the only one that was worth anything.

The only one she loved.

Now, you're probably thinking that it was all an accident, that there is no way a mother could get that angry over a simple tea cup, no matter how beautiful or special it was.

You'd be right. She was sad. She cried a little. But she didn't get that mad at me.

Here's the regret part: As she was knelt down cleaning up the shattered cup, tears still in her eyes, I looked at her and said

"I'm sorry."

Except instead of those words, it came out

"Can you get my some grapes?"

Yeah, that pretty much explains our relationship up to this point.

What? I was young.

And I really wanted some grapes.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 5:34 PM