Saturday, August 29, 2009

Shoot Me

Seriously. Someone get up right now, go buy a gun, and come shoot me in the face.

Like right now.



Why aren't you getting up?

Oh, sure. Let someone else do all the work. If everyone thought like that, we'd never get any face shooting accomplished.

Then where would we be? Walking around with our faces not being shot.

Thanks for nothing, lazy.

Why my new sudden fascination with the face shooting?

Susan had a few days off work.

I had a few days off work.

Unfortunately for me, my few days off lined up exactly with her few days off. When this alignment of planets (or contractually required vacation periods) occurs, my beautiful wife always comes up with something for us to do together.

No, I don't know why.

I don't see what's wrong with spending my vacation days sitting around and basking in the glory that is Zelda.

3 days off in a row. Perfect for me to get through several Zelda games in a row.

It'd be like one of those charity gaming marathons except without a webcam or any chance of me doing anything to help other human beings.

My wife sees three days in a row as an opportunity to get out of the house and do something different.

I don't like different.

If I liked different, I would adjust my life so that the different was part of the normal.

I like to keep all the different outside with all the other things I don't like such as fresh air and people.

But no, my darling wife just wants to go out and do something new. Get out of that old rut.

I like my rut.

It fits me rather nicely.

You don't find a rut like this just anywhere, you know. You need to work damned hard to break it in just right so it fits snugly.

And she wants to go and ruin that.


And what did Susan want to do with those days off?

This is the funny part...

She wanted to go visit her parents.

And stay with them.

She wanted to go stay with her parents.

There are no words to describe my feelings towards this idea. But, if there were words to describe my feelings, I'm pretty sure it'd be "FFFF&&&&%%%%@@@@ NO!"

We had a frank discussion about this in which we shared our feelings and decided that the best option would be for us to compromise.

By "compromise", I mean "we are staying with her parents for three days".

How exactly is that a compromise?

I don't know that either.

I do know that if one of you people doesn't come shoot me in the face, I'm going to be forced to kill myself with a butter knife.

But not the fancy ones. You touch the fancy ones and Susan's mother will fly at you like a crazed howler monkey.

And lord forbid you forget to open the blinds in the morning.

Susan's mother seems nice and sweet until you get to know her. Then you find out that lady is batshit insane.

Every morning, as soon as she rolls out of bed, every blind in the house MUST be opened. If, for some reason, you are up before her, you are expected to open all the blinds for her. If you do not, there is a ten minute lecture about proper blind usage.

I'm not even making this up.

And her father...

We basically pretend the other one doesn't exist. We do this because we both know that the first word one of us breathes is going to be immediately met with physical violence.

He really doesn't like me.

In his defense, I do terrible, terrible things to his daughter.

I wouldn't like me either.

So, I've spent the last few days living in Susan's parent's house, trying not to drive her mother into hysterics by throwing out a plastic bottle and trying to keep her father from wanting to murder me.

Man, what a great vacation. Maybe next year I can spend a few days driving nails through a board with my dick.

You know, break out of that rut.


At 9:25 PM, Blogger bookwyrmpoet said...

man, you get a lecture on blinds? I would kill for that, I get lectured on how the internet is the work of the devil and will destroy the minds of the world's children... etc etc. I can't even take out my DS inside their houses, its like they have hidden cameras or something ><. but hey, at least you survived it right? what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger and all that jazz

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Tidusjnr said...


if they say the internet is the work of the devil and will destroy the minds of children... why do they have it?

At 11:29 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Dave, remember all those times you faked sickness so you could stay at home and play FFXI?


Well, play it without dealing with the retards?

As much?

Hint hint hint.

Dude, fake sick. Tell her you got the AIDS or something.

At 3:12 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Just yell "The internet is a series of tubes" and walk away.

By the way, technophobes need to be shot, with automated remote and/or AI controlled turrets. And instead of bullets, we fire batteries and old virtual boy games at them. then, we dump old computers in with their mass grave, cover it up, and open up an apple store with attached gamestop on top of it.

At 1:34 PM, Blogger ArkieRN said...

No Zelda? Exactly how is that a vacation? Zelda is priority number one!

At 2:54 PM, Blogger Kimberly-Ann said...

Terrible things to his daughter? More like fun, fun things :) It is how you got a kid

At 6:35 AM, Blogger Moroianu said...

Dave with all due respect but if my wife's parents did anything like that I would :

1) Punch the mother in the face

2) Punch the father if he tried to hit me

3) Leave the house coolly then grab the car and drive home , while talking with a lawyer on the phone about divorce papers

4) When wife comes home to bitch about it , show her divorce papers and say that if she doesn't shut up she can find another husband.

At 7:41 AM, Blogger Chewie said...

It's funny even in high school I was always bigger than the fathers of the girls i was dating. They never scared me. I actually like my inlaws. Go figure.

At 10:18 AM, Blogger Hylian said...

damn right zelda is top priority, although i don't know how far that's gonna fly hearing it from a commenter named 'Hylian'. :P

I would suggest you take Susan to visit YOUR parents, but I'm not sure who would suffer more in that case... you, your mother, or susan. or maybe the baby suffers the most overall from either parental visit.


c'mon dave, everything is made better with whiskey isn't it? no, maybe not made perfect, but better than it was... right?

ah well, think this comforting thought: at least you aren't visiting your own parents. getting past the "you banned my character, son, now you die" conversation at dinner probably won't blow over well.

At 1:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dyamalos: I've got just what you need. Samsung makes a pretty good robot sentry gun that can be set for either human supervised or completely automated operation. It was designed to keep the batshit insane north koreans from crossing the DMZ to kidnap people and god knows what else (not exaggerating here) so you know it's up to the job.

The things have been so successful that they are now selling them on the international market.


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