Friday, August 14, 2009

It's Just Not Fair

So, Susan dragged me to another wedding yesterday.

No, I don't know why.

I've spent many, many, many years developing a very solid image of someone who does not enjoy these kinds of events. I actually hate this kind of event and make it my mission to make all of those around me hate it as well.

What can I say? It's a hobby.

Unfortunately, one of my duties as the husband is to attend these things with my wife.

I was informed of this along with the information that failure to perform these duties would result in Susan failing to perform many of her wifely duties.

These duties would include:

a) sleeping with me

b) not punching me repeatedly in the groin


So, I'm at a wedding.

After the whole "I now pronounce you something something", we were at the reception watching a very drunk group of people dance very badly.

At least... I think that's what they were trying to do. Basically, it looked like a group of people having epileptic seizures almost set to music.

It was painful to watch.

That was, however, when I realized something incredibly interesting about people. I had an epiphany, if you will.

Women can dance like absolute retards and someone will still want to have sex with them at the end of the night.

I mean, it's common knowledge that woman have very little difficulty finding a willing partner. Men aren't exactly the most discerning people.

Still, it never struck me just how pervasive this concept really is.

There was a girl on the dance floor, a reasonably attractive girl, and she spent most of the night dancing.

I immediately understood two things:

a) she thinks she is a very good dancer

b) she is very, very wrong

Oh lord, it was like watching some horrible train wreck. Limbs flailing in every direction.

I wanted to look away, but couldn't.

Then, as I watched, I noticed a guy walk up and start dancing with her. I'd like to say he was subtle in his advances, but he was doing everything short of dry humping her on the floor.

That might have actually improved upon her dancing.

And that's when it struck me. No matter how retarded this girl looked, as long as she was breathing, someone would want to take her home.

Shouldn't there be a line somewhere? Shouldn't an even moderately intelligent man be able to control himself enough not to jump on top of the spastic tard trying to flail her way through Boom Boom Pow?

I'm sorry, but we, as a species, should be better at selecting potential mates.

Can you imagine the genetic failures this woman could create? Little idiot children stumbling haphazardly around the room.

Yes, I realize the girl is pretty. I get that.

I also get that pretty girls turn men into large piles of stupid.

Still, I fail to understand how anyone could look at her and find her attractive. I don't care how stupid you are, retardation is never hot.

I don't care if a chick is Megan Fox. If she's sitting in the corner eating paste, she's not hot.

The funny thing about people is that every woman reading this agrees with me.

And every guy just thought "Eh, I'd still hit it."

Man, men are stupid.


At 10:06 PM, Blogger Fiye said...

Megan Fox in a corner, sitting by herself and slowly licking off paste from her finger tips.

Mmm... I'd so hit that.

At 11:30 PM, Blogger Joe said...

heh, your rant reminds me of a story arch in The Least I Could Do, the main character had a similar epiphany when he went to a bar.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Sparf said...

I have no faith in the intelligence of anyone in the human race unless they present that intelligence or I know them.

Men least of all...especially when pretty girls (or guys. I know gay men who are the same way) are involved.

At 10:34 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Dave, I seem to recall you once posting a list of the most important things in the world to you. If I'm not mistaken, #1 was your genitals. This may surprise you, but a lot of guys have the exact same item at the top of their lists.

Plus, I think guys see it as an easy score. Honestly, any chick that thinks she's a good dancer when she really looks like she's trying to catch a fly in midair, she can't be all that bright, and will likely be easily picked up by even the dumbest lines. This may also surprise you, but men tend not to have a lot of morals when it comes to getting laid.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger golden_knyte said...

"I also get that pretty girls turn men into large piles of stupid."

Wait...Dave, you ain't a large pile of trying to infer that Susan ain't pretty?

thank you...thank you..ill be here all week...atleast until the incendiary device from susan arrives...


or that....

At 1:18 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

"I'd still hit that."

Get out of my head!!!!!!

At 7:37 AM, Blogger Chewie said...

He was probably drunk so he didnt have any judgment. At that point the little head takes over and he doesnt have eyes.

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Justin said...

Like one needs to be drunk. When it comes right down to it, we men are stupid disgusting creatures. Any woman, anywhere, regardless of age or how she looks can find sex in 3 hours or less if she's looking for it. Someone will ALWAYS hit it. Women have taste in men that is almost as bad. If you're an online gamer than you've probably met 1 or 2 (dozen) women who are cheating online because they went with the guy who they were most attracted to physically, despite him being a total complete jerk.

At 8:32 AM, Blogger Grif said...

Ugh. I have to go to my best friend's wedding next month. As much as I hate weddings, I am looking forward to the fact that I am the best man and get to publicly humiliate him with a speech. That, and I'll see if I can't prove Dave's Corollary and score with a bridesmaid or two.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Chrysalis said...

so sad but true dave... hell i know a guy who slept with a not so pretty girl with herpes... because she was easy and he was drunk, when he had a perfectly nice other option so id go so far as "girls" turn men stupid, they dont even have to be pretty, just have to spread their legs.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger PV said...

I know exactly what you mean. The other day an incredibly cute young woman came up to me asking to take her picture.

Any thought of being friendly to her was offset by her being so pathetically drunk that she was slowly dribbling her drink on my shoes while she was asking, and being too drunk to notice, because she tried to drink it and made a puzzled-puppy face when the cup was empty.

Stupid > cute.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger tweell said...

From one of my favorite movies:
'Sarah: That's not fair!
Jareth: You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is.'
And what in your life experience (at work especially) has led you to believe that moderately intelligent men are numerous? We got outnumbered a long time ago by the stupid less discriminatory guys that produce more kidlings.

Alas, I have been saddled with the moral compass and disposition of a paladin. No, I wouldn't hit that, although for different reasons than the one you cite.

At 5:40 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I can't believe you said that knowing full well what the effects of alchohol do to mens' perceptions on women.

I drank my ass off last Wednesday and literally became Doctor Octopus. It didn't matter who my female victim was getting a hand somewhere on it.


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