Wednesday, August 19, 2009

NOW, I've Heard Them All

People stop playing FFXI.

I'm not sure why. Maybe they get bored. Maybe they're no good at it. Sometimes, life just sneaks up on you and you don't have time any more.

Still, they stop playing.

This isn't surprising. I would be insane to think that every single player is going to play forever.

Even I'm not that crazy.

Occasionally though, a player likes to make a GM call to tell us why they're quitting. Sometimes, they want to complain. Sometimes, they just want someone to say goodbye.

No... It's pretty much just to complain.

Ooooooh, someone stole your NM. Go back to single player games, moron.

Anyway, I was at my desk going over some GM call statistics (read: drinking Jack Daniel's through a crazy straw), when I got another goodbye call.

GM Call Description: Quitting game. Need to ask a question.

Now, I know I complain about getting GM calls a lot. Damned people making me do the job they're paying me to do.

Honestly though, I don't mind these calls so much. Most people don't tend to get too upset when they're quitting.

Also, I know from the outset that no matter how the conversation goes, they're not going to be bothering me any more.

... Yes, that's true of pretty much all of my calls.

Whatever.

So, I log into this guy's server and send him a message.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you wish to quit.
Player>> That's right.
[GM]Dave>> As I see it, you've made this call to either...
[GM]Dave>> Complain, which would be bad.
[GM]Dave>> Or say goodbye, which would be less bad.
[GM]Dave>> If it's complain, I am authorized to send you a commemorative hammer.
[GM]Dave>> Just apply to face as needed.
Player>> No... It's neither of those.
[GM]Dave>> No?
[GM]Dave>> No complaining?
[GM]Dave>> I'm... I'm not sure what to do at this point.
[GM]Dave>> I think you just became my favorite player.
Player>> I just have a question.
[GM]Dave>> A question from my favorite player?
[GM]Dave>> Not a problem.
Player>> Who do I talk to about a refund?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And there we are.
[GM]Dave>> Refund?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I'd like a refund since I'm quitting.
[GM]Dave>> Yes, yes. I understand the situation.
[GM]Dave>> At least one of us isn't retarded.
Player>> What do you mean by that?
[GM]Dave>> Exactly.
Player>> I just want my money back.
[GM]Dave>> Again, I understand the situation.
[GM]Dave>> I understand the word refund.
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand it in this context.
Player>> Well, I don't want to play any more.
Player>> And I want my money back.
Player>> Understand?
[GM]Dave>> I think so.
[GM]Dave>> Basically... You're an idiot.
[GM]Dave>> That's about it, right?
Player>> That's not necessary.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you realized it, too.
[GM]Dave>> That should speed this up a lot.
Player>> There's no need to be rude.
Player>> They don't pay you to be rude.
[GM]Dave>> It's complimentary.
[GM]Dave>> Ironically.

I'm not going to lie. I made myself laugh.

Shut up. It's funny.

Player>> I just want my money back.
Player>> I've spent a lot of money playing this game.
Player>> Since I'm quitting, I think I deserve a refund.
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly?
[GM]Dave>> Why do you DESERVE a refund?
Player>> I put a lot of time and effort into this game.
Player>> A lot.
Player>> But now, I think it cost too much.
[GM]Dave>> You mean the fees you agreed to when you signed up.
[GM]Dave>> The fees that are in the contract you signed.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Logic shields are holding, Captain.
[GM]Dave>> Our shots bounced right off.
Player>> Who are you talking to?
[GM]Dave>> No one apparently.
[GM]Dave>> I am saddened to inform you...
[GM]Dave>> No... Wait.
[GM]Dave>> I am indifferent to inform you that we don't give refunds.
Player>> Why not?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, there are many reasons.
[GM]Dave>> One, you've already used the product you paid to use.
[GM]Dave>> The agreement has been fulfilled.
[GM]Dave>> Two, you cannot get a refund for every product.
[GM]Dave>> You can't eat a meal and then ask for a refund.
[GM]Dave>> And three, my personal favorite...
[GM]Dave>> We just don't like you.
Player>> That's...
Player>> That's...
[GM]Dave>> Logical?
[GM]Dave>> Justified?
[GM]Dave>> Seriously, just grunt when I'm getting warm.
Player>> That's just plain ignorant.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't want to call you ignorant.
[GM]Dave>> That would be rude.
[GM]Dave>> They don't pay me to be rude.
Player>> Can I speak to someone else?
Player>> Someone in the refund department?
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Let me see if anyone's available.

We don't have a refund department.

We don't have one because that would be retarded.

I might as well transfer him to our department in charge of space shuttle maintenance.

I don't think we have a shuttle... I should make some calls.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, I'm going to transfer you now.
Player>> Thank you.

He thanked me.

I'm not even kidding.

[GM]Dave>> You're welcome.

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> Why am I here?
[GM]Dave>> I'm guessing two stupid people shared a special hug...
[GM]Dave>> Oh... HERE.
[GM]Dave>> I decided to transfer you to our refunds manager.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Oh yeah.
[GM]Dave>> He also handles complaints.
Player>> Perfect.
Player>> I do have some suggestions.
[GM]Dave>> Of course you do.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, here he comes now.
Player>> Where?
Player>> OHMYDEARGODDSASDHG.

Jormungand hits Player for 14,489 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> He says you forgot your change.

I think I have officially experienced every possible type of GM call. I don't see how anyone could find any way to decrease my faith in humanity.

And... Just as I said that, a whole group of people took that as a challenge.

FML.

13 Comments:

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Oh god you joined the FML choo choo too?

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger Wavrik said...

Jon rhymed. Win.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

Crazy straws are fantastic!

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger sRc said...

didnt you know, Dave? resturaunts started giving refunds now after you finish digesting the food. you just have to return the product to them

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger kevkos said...

I got a refund once from POL, but only about 10 bucks... Just enough for a mini KFC binge.

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

Yes Square Enix does indeed not give refunds. Even when they double charge you they do not.

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Just as you sent him a commemorative hammer to apply to the face as needed, I sent myself a commemorative palm to apply to the same area. It's the only thing that helps against people like him.

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger David said...

What about the person who is suing SE for $5 million for "suffered damages" for failing to disclose all the fees involved with playing the game?

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Sword said...

I didnt hear anything else about that story after that point. Chances are it was dropped, SE states how to close your account in the instruction booklet and several other sources so they cannot plead ignorance cause they lost it. IF SE was nice they may have reimbursed the overbilled money, but doubtful that would even be considered after they were taken to court.

Some people though. Refund for however many years of playing. They're paying for a service, not trying to take a broken video game back to walmart. I've made this refrence before, but it still stands.

MMO's are like a drivers liscense. You pay for the service, tags, and insurance so you have the privlige to drive, but you don't actually own the lisence. It can be taken away by the government (I.E. SE), when you break the rules or service fees have expired and are not renewed. As such services cannot and will not be refuned, unless there is proof that said services were never used.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger shallot said...

*squee*

*cliffhanger*

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger Moroianu said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger Moroianu said...

Ah Dave , I think you forgot the first rule of humanity.

"The are two things infinite , the universe and human stupidity , and I am not so sure about the universe."

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Carlos said...

You read "GM Call Description: Quitting game. Need to ask a question."

I read "GM Call Description: Quitting game. Need someone to pull the trigger."

 

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