Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave: The College Years 3

Now, one of the hardest parts of living in college was getting used to the whole roommate thing.

Believe it or not... I'm not a people person.

You're shocked. I know.

You can, therefore, imagine how much I enjoyed being forced to live with a complete stranger based solely on the order in which our housing applications were processed.

When I first met John, I wasn't quite sure what to make of him. He seemed reasonable enough, but there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on, a sort of... Haze.

I remember one of my first nights, standing in my room talking with my Dad on the phone. We were talking about my new school and he asked my what my roommate was like.

John was sitting right there on his bed, so I jokingly said he was holding a bag of pot the size of my own head.

Then John laughed.

He reached over and pulled a hat out of his stuff. Just a regular stocking hat.

A regular stocking hat stuffed with a bag of pot the size of my own head.

Yeah.

Living with a stoner was an... Interesting experience.

I have nothing against practitioners of the chemical arts, mind you. I find their contributions to both art and the snack food industry quite important.

Still... It was interesting.

I had a computer on my desk (surprise, surprise) and I had what I considered an awesome screensaver. It created a swirling tunnel of changing colors and images.

What? It was cool at the time.

Anyway, one day I came back from a lab to find John sat on his bed.

John>> Turn it off.

He was staring at my screensaver and his eyes were glassy.

I asked him what was wrong.

John>> Turn it off.

I asked him what he meant.

John>> Turn it off.

I asked him if he'd seen my Calculus book.

John>> Turnitoffturnitoffturnitoff.

Okay, the last one was just me screwing with him.

Apparently, he'd dropped acid and had spent three straight hours staring at my screensaver while having the worst trip of his life.

Three hours waiting for me to get back and turn it off.

I really wish I could say that was the weirdest thing he did.

One morning, after a particularly hard night of partying, John woke up to find me sat on my bed, staring at him.

John>> What?
John>> What's the matter?
Dave>> Do you remember... Anything about last night?
Dave>> Anything at all?
John>> Not really...
Dave>> Think hard.
Dave>> Think really hard.

I could see him struggling to engage the gears in his brain. It seemed to take a superhuman effort just to think.

John>> Not... Really...
John>> Why?
Dave>> Look at your desk.

His desk was an epic battlefield. Across its wooden surface, a terrible battle raged between a giant monster and a battalion of soldiers. Soldiers' bodies, broken and torn, lay strewn about the creatures massive feet, blood still drying on its claws.

I wish I was kidding.

At some point during the evening, he had thought it would be a great idea to drop acid and then go to Toys R Us.

I'm not familiar with acid, but I had always assumed that going to a brightly lit store filled with brightly colored toys would be a bad idea.

Apparently not.

He had spent a massive amount of money purchasing a large monster figure and countless packs of miniature soldiers.

That wasn't enough though. Oh, no.

He spent hours, HOURS, constructing an unbelievable battle scene, a diorama that would make George Lucas hang himself.

He even used red model paint to simulate the blood.

It was quite impressive.

And he had no memory of it whatsoever.

My roommate was some sort of savant.

Feel free to add the word 'idiot' if you like.

Man, did we laugh about that story afterwords. Any time we saw a Toys R Us, we'd bust out laughing.

Oh, it was funny.

I didn't sleep for the better part of a month...

But funny.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:16 PM