Bannable Offenses

I like All Seven, But...

I just wanted to quickly thank everyone who has donated recently. Your donations allowed me to take my lovely wife and lovely daughter out to a lovely buffet yesterday.

This place had everything. Bacon, turkey, ham, beef, shrimp, and more bacon.

There may or may not have been salads. There were rumors, but I never bothered to actually find out.

Susan ate a respectable amount. She selected certain favorites in portions that were proportionate to a regular, if somewhat large, meal.

I... I did not.

This is one of the things you should know about me. I am completely unable to control my portion sizes.

If I am left in a room with food that I am free to take with no thought to amount or serving, I will eat that food until someone removes me from the room.

Most likely forcibly.

A buffet is not so much a meal to me as it is a challenge. A mountain to be climbed, if you will.

That mountain just happens to be composed of food.

See, the premise of any commercial relationship is that a business offers goods or services for a set price. Both parties involved, the business and the customer, hope to get the better of this deal.

The business always wants to offer less for more money and the customer always wants to get more for less money.

The buffet is the great equalizer. The buffet is a challenge laid by the business. They set a price and you determine what value is to be had.

I do so love a challenge.

To me, there's a specific strategy to the buffet. They like to place a lot of brightly colored, low value items near the front of the line.

That way, you fill your plate before you even get to the good stuff. You tell yourself you'll get the rest on your second trip, but then you fall into that same trap the next time around.

Not me.

I go for the high value targets at the very beginning. This sometimes involves me bypassing entire tables, islands of salads and vegetables, to get to the meat of the matter.

Or to just get to the meat.

Since it was a brunch buffet, I knew there would be a nice mixture of both breakfast and lunch foods. Therefore, I designated bacon as my primary target and set turkey and other lunch foods as secondary targets.

Potatoes or hashbrowns would be engaged as targets of opportunity.

I was probably going to have to take a few slices of watermelon as hostages, but, if everything worked out, they'd be released unharmed.

Over the course of the next two hours, I consumed 7 plates piled high with bacon, fried potatoes, and stuffed turkey smothered in gravy. Just to prove I was serious, I also ate a plate of fresh waffles.

Just because I could.

By the time I finally stopped eating, I was in actual physical pain. I mean severe pain.

I actually had to use the bathroom just to have enough room to inflate my lungs.

It was the greatest meal ever.

Ever.

So, since it was you guys who made it possible, I just wanted to thank you profusely. Your donations made it all possible.

I'll be sure to mention you to the doctors performing my first coronary bypass.

That will probably be some time next week.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 12:43 PM