Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Just... Just Stop

I don't ask a lot from my party members.

Seriously. I know I have little tolerance for pretty much anyone, but my complete and utter lack of faith in humanity has lead to a certain apathy when it comes to parties.

As long as they can at least adequately perform their jobs, that's all I ask of them.

Hell, that's all I dare expect from them.

Just show up, hit some macros, and try not to drool on yourself. I don't think that's so much to ask.

If you happen to show up and be a true genius, a god among players, then that's cool, too. We'll get along just fine and maybe get a level or two.

I may even bother to learn your name.

Probably not, but still.

But I don't expect that. I don't expect genius.

My years of experience have jaded me.

Correction: my years of experience dealing with absolute retards have made me hate people in general and pretty much assume everyone is a complete idiot.

One thing I do expect from my party members though is that they actually get to the party. I expect that someone who joins a party understands how to:

a) get to the party's location

b) get there quickly

c) get there alive

This, again, should not be too much to ask. If you were hiring someone for a job, you'd expect them to get to your location, and do so quickly and safely.

This is a pretty commonplace thing.

Now, I realize that getting to work probably doesn't involve riding a giant yellow bird through wide open plains and walking through caves while trying to not get raped in the face.

Then again, I don't know where you live, so...

Still, anyone who has made it to level 30 should have some understanding of how to get to camp.

The "should" in that sentence is important.

It "should"n't be, but it is.

Every time, every DAMNED time, I invite someone to join a party, they get terribly, terribly lost.

I mean so lost, they find themselves on an island with a smoke monster, a polar bear, and a insanely convoluted plot.

See what I did there? [GM]Dave is subtle.

And when they're not lost, they're slow.

And when they're not slow, they're dead.

Just in case you didn't take the time to read the manual, being dead is counter-productive.

Even Brady got that part right.

Today, I was partying in Garlaige Citadel. I, for some unknown reason, was leveling Paladin and we were camped out near the first banishing gate.

Things were going good. The party was clicking and we were making some good exp. I was actually starting to think it was going to be a good day.

Monk>> Uhh... Guys, I have to go.
Monk>> It's an emergency.

Yeah...

It's funny. You don't know how many emergencies happen until you start playing FFXI. You have no idea how many people suffer drastic, life or death situations on a daily basis.

Every time someone has to go, it's an emergency.

I doubt paramedics see as many emergencies as a party leader in FFXI.

The guy had been pretty good though, so I decided to let it slide.

What? It's not like I ban everyone who annoys me. All the servers would be empty.

Anyway, I find a replacement, a Dark Knight perfectly within our level range, and send him a tell asking him if he wanted to join us.

It seemed like the right thing to do. People tend to get upset when you warp their character to your camp against their will.

Silly people.

Immediately, this guy sends me a long tell expressing how happy he is to finally be invited to a party and that he would be more than happy to join us.

Player>> Sure.

Okay... I'm reading between the lines.

Line.

I'm reading between the line.

Shut up.

So, I tell Mr. Shakespeare there to come and meet up in Galaige Citadel. He says:

Player>> Sure.

Boy, this guy was going to be a riot. I could tell.

The five of us go back to killing bats (because there's not exactly a lot more to do in Galaige Citadel) and wait for the Poet Laureate.

Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Do I go out through Lower Jeuno?
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> Lower Jeuno?
Player>> To get to Garlaige?
[GM]Dave>> How do you not know how to get to Garlaige?
Player>> Never been there before.
[GM]Dave>> Have you never been to Rolanberry either?
[GM]Dave>> Cause that's where Lower Jeuno leads.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> Port then.
Player>> Be there in a minute.

This was a bad sign. Pretty much anyone at this level should know at least where Garlaige is. Him not knowing suggested he probably wasn't any good.

Still, it could have been worse, so I decided to look on the bright side.

Maybe he was just an idiot.

The five of us go back to killing bats again (because there's still not exactly a lot more to do in Galaige Citadel) and wait for Rand McNally.

Player>> Can someone come get me?
Player>> I don't have the map.
[GM]Dave>> We're at the first banishing gate.
Player>> Yeah...
Player>> So is someone coming to get me?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Down the stairs, first left, third right.
[GM]Dave>> Walk until you see a big gate.
[GM]Dave>> Or a terribly annoyed party leader.
Player>> On my way.

The five of us go back to...

Player>> Crap.
Player>> You need sneak here?
[GM]Dave>> That would be ideal.
[GM]Dave>> The other option is getting gangraped by bats.
[GM]Dave>> Your call.
Player>> I need to zone this bat.
Player>> Back in a minute.

Sigh.

The five of us...

Player>> Shit.
Player>> I fell down a hole.
Player>> Can you send someone to come and get me?
[GM]Dave>> A hole?
[GM]Dave>> You fell down a hole?
[GM]Dave>> Down stairs, first left, third right...
[GM]Dave>> Nope. Nothing about a hole.
Player>> I didn't know you could fall down holes.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That is unrealistic.
[GM]Dave>> We should hover over them like in real life.
Player>> You know what I meant.
[GM]Dave>> Unless "what you meant" is "you is stupid"...
[GM]Dave>> No.
Player>> That's not very nice.
[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> Neither am I, by the way.
Player>> Can you just tell...
Player>> SHIT! AGGRO!
Player>> I'm dead.
[GM]Dave>> I figured as much.
Player>> Can you send the White Mage to come and get me?
[GM]Dave>> By the time you get back and rest up...
[GM]Dave>> It's really not worth it.
[GM]Dave>> You might as well homepoint.
Player>> What?
Player>> That's ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> Ridiculous?
Player>> You can't invite me and then drop me when I'm next to camp.
Player>> That's just wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Yes, it would be wrong...
[GM]Dave>> If you'd gotten here in anything less than 35 minutes.
Player>> I had trouble.
[GM]Dave>> So did I.
[GM]Dave>> Then I told it to homepoint.
Player>> You're an asshole.
[GM]Dave>> Accurate, but still doesn't change anything.
Player>> You're...
Player>> You're a n00b.

Things I can stand being called:

1) asshole

2) jerk

3) OHGAWDSTOPIBEGYOU!

Things I cannot stand being called:

1) a n00b by a complete idiot who can't even make his way to camp without getting lost three times and ending up dead

Something had to be done.

[GM]Dave>> Listen... I apologize.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to come and get you?
Player>> Yes. Thank you.
Player>> It's the least you could do.

Log out... Log into GM account...

*warp*

Player>> What?
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure.
[GM]Dave>> I think something bad is going to happen.
Player>> How do you know...

Jormungand hits Player for 14,892 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Just a hunch.

Was feeding him to Jormy extreme? Maybe.

Was banning him a little over the line? Possibly.

Was ruining his credit and mailing an incendiary device to his billing address too much?

...

Who's to say?

18 Comments:

At 10:18 PM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

Jormy's BAAAAACK! That's the way,Dave! You just made my frickin' retarded day made complete by frickin' retards! Thanks!

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger Tony said...

Absolute, classic [GM]Dave. Been waiting a long time for a post like this...

Then again, people smart enough to fall in a hole and then call others n00bs must not come around that often. Tis a shame, but I suppose Jormy needs to rest *some* time.

...err, no, just a shame.

 
At 12:31 AM, Blogger Saifer said...

Omg this is soo true and funny as hell. but my favorite part:

"I didn't know you could fall down holes.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That is unrealistic.
[GM]Dave>> We should hover over them like in real life.

epic win.

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

That's a little much, I've played the game for years and I still get confused about which part of Jeuno leads to which area. It's a giant spiraling city with a bunch of not very important areas connected. Besides, if you pick the wrong one it takes you 30 seconds to run to a connecting bridge that does go to the right one.

That 35 minutes is ridiculous though.

 
At 1:51 AM, Blogger savagep said...

I really missed Jormy and hearing about the retards you have to deal with. Never gets old.

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger Hannah said...

Just a small point, but you don't actually need sneak for that part of Garliage, only invis for the beetles when getting to the first banishing gate. If you fall down the hole, *those* bats will rape you.

I liked this post, there hasn't been enough Jormy lately!

 
At 3:49 AM, Blogger Surazal said...

You know, its perfectly acceptable for people to be new to the game and be ignorant as we all were/are at some point.

But anyone that can't figure out the most basic necessities of being prepared (i.e. having sneak/invis items, buying maps, or (for sh*ts and giggles) knowing where places are on the fricken world map) really really need to just go die in a fire.

Or a dragon's jaws, your choice.

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Fayune said...

<3

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger ian said...

must be related to GM Dave

http://www.justaskjames.net/

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger RyRy said...

Well Played Sir ^^.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

Brilliant. (you, not him)

Calling you a n00b? REALLY?? You've got to be kidding me. Hey look on the bright side:

at least he didn't actually make it to your party.

He probably would have been more a liability than an asset.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger Tiger's Lair said...

I swear, since level sync, all these noobs never been anywhere & they are scared to travel. In the 30s he should be leveling in Garlaige not Valkrum Dunes or Qufim (both where I suspect he was).

I would have fed him to jormy then to all other dragons.

Teach his ass a lesson.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Aximus Lokar said...

"That's a little much, I've played the game for years and I still get confused about which part of Jeuno leads to which area. It's a giant spiraling city with a bunch of not very important areas connected. Besides, if you pick the wrong one it takes you 30 seconds to run to a connecting bridge that does go to the right one."

/map

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I think I was in that party...several times.

n00b

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

Yes! Classic! I'm so happy to see an entry like this again!

A friend of mine gets a lot of retards in his parties too. Like the Red Mage who didn't use Refresh because he's a "DD RDM", the Blue Mage who cast no spells AT ALL aside from Jet Stream to skillchain (he was 30 minutes into the party before he realized he had to use Chain Affinity), and the Paladin who refused to use Provoke because it wasn't learned by the Paladin job itself.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger quinn said...

he said n00b, because he was being retarded. you need more action against him. report him to the FBI for browsing for kiddies on the game or something.

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

"Things I cannot stand being called:

1) a n00b by a complete idiot who can't even make his way to camp without getting lost three times and ending up dead"

OMG, that's the worst. I got a "learn to heal noob" whisper after our party wiped for probably the 5th time because we had no tank. The stupid ret pally (all in DPS gear, mind, since that's a DPS spec) thought she could tank. She couldn't. And apparently that was *my* fault. That pisses me off - her screwing up and being lame made *me* look bad, and got *me* called a noob. *Eyeroll*

Wish I could've fed her to a dragon.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Xanthos8907 said...

(I made an account just for this occasion)

Speaking along these lines, I joined a random shout for Nyzul Isle floor runs the other night. After we were all set up and ready with a good party, the whitemage says:

"wait. do i need to have the staging point?"

and rather then kick him right then and there, the leader starts trying to explain to him how to get to nyzul isle from the thickets...

"where do i get an imperial silver coin?"

...you got to 75...how?

anyway an hour of direction later we finally got to start.

just thought I'd share

 

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