Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave: The College Years

So, I had just left Bayside High and was on my way to the University of California. My friend and main rival, A.C., was going to be my roommate, but then Screech showed up.

... Wait...

That's not right.

Damn you, television.

No, my first day at college was a pretty normal one. I got dropped off, lugged my suitcases up a bunch of stairs that was too damned high, and then got put into a room that was both incredibly ugly and way too small.

Boy, was I excited.

My new roommate showed up a while later. I could tell we were going to be the best of friends right from the start.

Just as soon as we got past the fact that he looked retarded.

Then... Then he said the words that may or may not have changed my life forever:

Roomie>> You want something to drink?

For him, it was just an icebreaker. You know, something to take the tension out of what could be an awkward moment.

For me...

Something you need to understand is that I didn't drink in high school. Despite what major movies and 90210 clones would have you think, not everyone does.

This wasn't a big protest on my part or anything. I didn't have any problem with people drinking.

I just didn't.

It just didn't look interesting to me.

Oh... I was young once.

Unfortunately, this put me in a bad position. If I just flat out said no, it'd pretty much kill that whole first impression thing and I'd spend an entire year living with someone I don't talk to.

And I wasn't even married yet.

Bah dump psshhh.

Rather than just shutting him down, I decided to explain the whole thing about me not drinking. I figured I'd get it out of the way because it was bound to come up again.

Do you know the fastest way to get alcohol? Tell your dorm you don't drink.

Apparently, news got around that I didn't drink and it suddenly became a competition to get me started.

Ah, college.

Every time there was a party, people were throwing liquor at me. Anything I wanted, everything they had, just to get me to drink.

I'm not even kidding. It was ridiculous.

If I had a drinking problem, these people probably wouldn't have even bothered talking to me about it.

But having a not-drinking problem? Suddenly, it was motherf&%@in' intervention time.

You have no idea. I could easily have remained drunk for the entire semester on the amount of alcohol people offered me.

Of course, since I didn't drink, that would have taken three beers and a shot of vodka.

Yet, I held out.

Still, to this day, I have no idea why I did. I think it was simply because it became routine that I never bothered to try it.

I really wish I could tell you that I had some greater reason for this. I wish I had some deep, complex logic to explain it.

Not really.

I just didn't.

Probably because everyone else did.

Finally, after several months of turning away offers, I decided to take someone up. They threw the bottle in my face, kind of a cursory gesture at that point, but then I took the bottle.

A hush fell over the crowd.

Seriously. They really fell silent.

I tipped up the bottle and drank.

And drank.

And drank.

And... It was good.

The entire rest of the night became a blur of faces laughing and bottles being thrust into my waiting hand.

We may or may not have streaked through a local McDonald's. The details are a little fuzzy.

I woke up the next morning on top of my desk for some reason. I was still dressed for the most part and my mouth tasted like vomit.

I silently prayed it was mine.

Then, as I gathered my thoughts, I noticed my roommate was sat on his bed staring at me.

Actually... That wasn't my roommate.

[GM]Dave>> Ummm...
[GM]Dave>> Morning?
NotRoomie>> Could you get off my desk now?

All of those damned buildings look alike.

The walk back to my room was a painful one. Apparently, someone had replaced the sun with a giant ball of pain that was aimed directly at my head.

I then and there vowed that I would never, ever drink again.

... You can guess how that turned out.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:38 PM