Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Race Of The Century

I don't know if you've been following it, but recently, there was a race that could very well change the face of the world as we know it. This race could completely redefine our society, our people, our culture.

The race between Obama and McCain was monumental. It was historic and inspiring.

Not the race I mean.

No, that race pales in comparison to...

Ashton Kutcher Versus CNN.

Truly a battle of the cultural icons, this race pitted a trucker hat wearing moron against a practically useless "news" network.

Apparently, in an obvious bid to try and stay socially relevant, Ashton Kutcher challenged CNN to a race to see who would be the first to have 1,000,000 followers on Twitter.

Epic, I know.

I mean, a race to see who could get the most random people to click on a button. That could be as influential as an internet petition.

Mind... Blown.

Who would win? Who would lose?

Who cares?

This was a two way race because they couldn't find a third person who was that pointless.

Who in the hell could justify this as a race that was deserving of being newsworthy?

Wow, a million people are dedicated to finding out what Ashton Kutcher had for lunch.

That's not news. That's a reason to doubt our society as a whole.

The most offensive part of the whole race is that the Kutcher team started to campaign that it was the choice of the internet community, that it was our responsibility to ensure he wins.

Umm... What?

First off, the whole thing was a race on the internet. There is no offline version of Twitter. Offline Edition

To follow Ashton Kutcher, please send 10,000 self-addressed stamped envelopes to...

If Kutcher was the choice of the entire internet community, CNN would have zero followers. Everyone else would just watch the channel.

Second, I don't remember us getting together and choosing Ashton Kutcher as our new demigod, our golden child born of human parents and the god of internet popularity.

Yes, he did have that delightful Punk'd show, a program devoted to slightly embarrassing other generally useless celebrities and improper contractions.

Still, I don't think that elevates him to near godlike status on the internet.

Though he did post a picture of Demi Moore in her underwear once. That was groundbreaking as his Twitter account became the only place you could see that.

Well... That and all the movie she's appeared naked in.

Putting a picture of a half-naked woman on the internet... Can you imagine?

That would be like throwing a cup of water into the ocean.

An ocean of boobs.

Wait a second... Mental picture forming...

What were we talking about?

Oh... The Twitter thing.

I'm pretty sure Ashton Kutcher would be among the last people that would be chosen as a representative of the internet.

That race would be a three way tie between Chuck Norris, Stephen Colbert, and a picture of a cat with a funny caption.

Any one of those things would have absolutely decimated CNN.

Not that that should have been difficult.

I'm willing to bet a full half of CNN's followers are old people who thought they were ordering MedicAlert bracelets or Matlock DVDs.

How else can you explain nearly a million people choosing to follow a news channel that would give 24 hour coverage to Paris Hilton if she sneezed too hard?

"Holy Crap! They've been covering this Octomom lady for the last 8 hours straight, but I better check their Twitter account to see if any news has broken during this commercial!"

Honestly, I'm not sure who I hate less in this situation.

I wouldn't even know about it except EA decided to give Kutcher's 1,000,000th follower a shitload of free games. This, of course, propelled it into the sphere of information I find important.

Basically, there are four criteria:

a) free stuff

b) video games

c) free video games

d) porn

So, in a move that made this race even more pointless than before, EA was basically bribing people to Follow Kutcher.

Kind of defeats the whole point when people are only signing up to win free games.

At least up until that point, all of his Followers were genuinely interested in Ashton Kutcher.

Wow... I didn't realize how sad that was until I typed it.

This kind of race illustrates exactly what is wrong with our society: our obsession with following the lives of useless, vapid people.

That and Ashton Kutcher.


At 3:12 PM, Blogger Rabid Ferrets of DOOM!!!™ said...

Anyone else stunned that with everything that's happening in the world, people actually give a damn about this?

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Miguel Santos said...

Not really, I've come to expect the worse, plus the fact that in my country the fact that Obama chose a portuguese dog has been a focal point of news for a full month now...

So yeah, not really stunned.

At 5:53 PM, Blogger Warewulf said...

The only particularly sad part about all of this is that I'm not, in the least bit, surprised.

At 7:32 PM, Blogger Michael said...

Who is Ashton Kutcher?

At 8:47 PM, Blogger Donny Walnuts said...

funny we're talking about following Ashton... at least he's famous, we just follow someone not famous named [GM]Dave.

At 10:44 PM, Blogger swoosh41 said...

hey there, Just wanted to say I'm a new player to ffxi well its been over a year now, but I just found this blog.

Read through all the back blogs and I really enjoied reading them. Also is it to late to donate this month to be considered for theme week?

At 4:53 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Dear Swoosh,

No, not too late.

Dear Donny,

At least I take the time to write out actual thoughts and opinions. I'm not asking people to take a vested interest in what I had for breakfast.

Bacon, by the way.

At 8:07 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Well to be fair I do check in regularly to find out who Jormy had for breakfast...

At 10:46 AM, Blogger XxDarkSiedSParKLeZZZxX said...

OMG BACON, of course! That's just like you, haha. I already have like a million posters of you on my bedroom wall, but now gonna I'm an even bigger fan, lawlz. I wanna be a GM when I get older. D'you think they hire fourteen-year-olds? I'll be fourteen soon. Well, next year. Sorta.

Y'know, I kinda want bacon now. I'm trying to be vegetarian like Madonna, so I didn't used to have bacon for breakfast, but thanks to you I'm gonna. D'you think she'll mind?


At 11:20 AM, Blogger randifaypayton said...

is gm dave on twitter? O.o I'd follow that!

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Kahsha said...

mmm... bacon

At 5:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This kind of race illustrates exactly what is wrong with our society: our obsession with following the lives of useless, vapid people.Am I the only one reading this blog who finds the irony just dripping down her screen with this statement?

I'm teasing.. ;)

At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

CNN is shit. Did you see what that reporter did to the people at the Tea Parties?

Then CNN backed her.

Watch Fox.

At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I know that wasn't the focus of the topic. I just had to explain how bad CNN actually is.

At 3:05 PM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...


This pile of poo stinks, let's all go watch vomit instead!

I'll just stick with random news sites and The Daily Show.

At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You would never see a Fox reporter attack a man and his two year old son and then be backed by the company.

At 12:55 PM, Blogger Darksaturn7 said...

No no no, the Tea party/Tea bagger news will never add up to the social importance of...Ashton Kutcher vs. CNN. Man we are a sad sack of a society. :(


At 12:26 PM, Blogger Stormyangel said...

This 'race' was actually a way to help out a great cause. A lot of publicity was generated to help save people from Malaria. Donations were pouring in due to word getting out because of this so called 'race' so plz, if you must bash it, at least add in a link to the cause and just maybe some readers will donate as well.


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