Ding Dong...Florida Unemployment Rate Jumps 0.000005 %
In breaking news, Florida's unemployment rate skyrocketed by five millionths of a percent this morning. This remarkable jump had been predicted months ago, but only today became official.
The list of people who lost their jobs and, ultimately, their livelihoods today is long. Quite long.
Here is the entire list, in full:
John Bruce Thompson
While many recent job losses reflect the ailing economy, this particular downsizing relates more to a spectacular lack of any marketable or interpersonal skills. Several people on the list did have specialized training and degrees, but those credentials were revoked making them practically unemployable.
Useless, if you prefer.
One individual on the list commented that this wasn't the end and that he had his opponents right where he wanted them.
The Supreme Court of the United States responded by saying:
"Actually... Oh, this is embarrassing... This is the end.
Go to Google Maps and type in 'The End' and you will find directions to your current location.
Destination: The End. Population: You.
Seriously. It's over.
P.S. Stop faxing us."
It will take some time for the full ramifications of today's massive job losses to be felt. Many of those affected may have trouble coming to grips with this new reality.
They're probably sitting there right now, in Florida, trying to tell themselves that everything will be okay.
I, for one, hope that all of those affected come to terms and perhaps manage to sleep well tonight.
'Cause motherf&%@er gotta find a new job tomorrow.