Bannable Offenses

Expansions Expanded

If you follow FFXI news (and why wouldn't you?), you may have heard that SE has announced three all new expansions chapters to the game.

And who might the main villains be in these expansions?

That's right. Tarutarus and Moogles.

Not the big, frightening Galkas.

Not the menacing, conceited Elvaans.

No.

The Tarus and the Moogles.


Umm... What?

I like to think I'm a very open-minded person, but that shit don't make sense.

How scary could a Taru really be?

OH NO! He's casting a spell!

*STOMP*

Problem solved.

Have you ever seen the casting time for the big, bad Black Magic spells? It's like eighteen seconds.

And all you have to do is run out of range.

Hell, you could punt the little bastard out of range.

Very frightening.

And Moogles?

Moogles are the bitch race of Vana'diel and everyone knows it.

They clean our moghouses and take care of our equipment.

You know that subliger you've been wearing for three weeks straight while leveling in the sweaty jungle?

Yeah, you just hand that to your Moogle.

Sure, they ask you for a hat or a weapon every now and then, but that's just so they can make more room to hold your stuff for you.

Is the idea of an uprising supposed to scare me?

Help! Help! My butler is trying to kill me!

Bad Dobby!

Yeah, I'm not really that worried.

The first expansion is going to be called "A Crystalline Prophecy - Ode of Life Bestowing".

I don't know what that means either.

I think the original title was "A Crystalline Prophecy - Song of Not Being Dead Anymore".

Catchy.

Still, the title doesn't give too much away. You really don't know what you're going to get.

The next two expansions?

"A Moogle Kupo d'Etat - Evil in Small Doses" and "A Shantotto Ascension - The Legend Torn, Her Empire Born."

Those basically translate into "Moogles get mad for twenty minutes, but are busy planning the next egg event" and "that Taru that everyone hates loses her shit".

On a related note, I'm still waiting to hear back about my transfer to the expansion naming division.

Fingers crossed.

If that news wasn't big enough, my network of spies have revealed that other expansions are planned beyond those three.

"Pride of the Mithras - Wrath of the Furries"

The FFXI storyline continues in this expansion as the Mithra tribes rise up and pry the legions of perverts off their legs. Too long have these proud warriors been the object of obscene advances and not even remotely subtle sexual innuendo.

The fur is going to fly in Vana'diel.

Not like that. That's not what I meant.

You're sick.

"The Moogle Rebellion - Bitches No More"

A sequel to Kupo d'Etat, Moogles as a whole stand up and cast off the shackles of servitude.

Sort of.

Yeah, they'll still iron your Brigandine, but when they hang it up, they'll put a crease in there.

Oh, burn.

"An Iron Fist - The GMs Return"

Toiling behind the scenes, the GMs finally take the forefront and bring the fight to the peoples of Vana'diel. The expansion will include new game mechanics including getting incredibly irritating calls every three and a half minutes until you lose your mind or kill yourself.

How do you like it, bitches?

The first quest is trying to get a GM out from behind a table.

Then you have to talk to a fish botting NPC for fourteen hours until he finally responds.

In a foreign language.

Good freaking luck.

See what we've got in store for you? We're working very hard to make a great game even greater.

Okay, not me.

They never like my expansion ideas.

Yes, they all revolved around Elvaan and Hume females making out topless.

In heels.

And Jello.

They still haven't explained what the problem is.

No one listens to my ideas.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:07 PM