Thursday, June 26, 2008

Things I Hate

So, the past few posts have been calm and introspective. Perhaps I am actually growing up and mellowing with age.

Perhaps those pills are actually working.

Still, I felt that it has been too long since I laid down the law. This shit builds up and if I don't do something, I'm going to end up in a tower with a high powered rifle.

And I hate heights.


1) Anti-Game Legislation

Okay, if you don't know anything about a subject, you're the last person who should be talking about it.

Wow, video game violence causes real life violence. I'm sure you have loads of undeniable evidence and research to back that up.

Wait... You don't?

Well, at least all the experts agree with your point of view, right?

No?

Then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING?!

Damn, there's not a day that goes by that I don't see someone in a position of authority saying something remarkably stupid about games.

Except replace the phrase "remarkably stupid" with the phrase "mind-numbingly, skull-f&%$ingly retarded".

You don't know shit and, quite frankly, you're embarassing yourself. Take a step back, breathe deep, and accept that you're an idiot.


2) Movies

Okay, it's time for a wake up call. Hollywood? Yeah, we're not buying this shit anymore.

We're not the ignorant neanderthals that fed your business in the 80's and 90's. We are educated and, more importantly, we're connected.

We are legion.

It used to be that a movie would actually have to come out before anyone would actually figure out it sucks. Then, by the time word of mouth travelled, you made your money.

That's fine. You got paid, you got laid.

Good for you.

That was yesterday.

This is today.

Today, movie reviews are out days or even weeks in advance of a movie. And that shit travels at the speed of light around the internet.

Was anyone really suprised when Speed Racer tanked?

Of course not.

We see through this glossy, flashy bullshit you're making now. You can blame it on games or pirates or whatever the hell you like, but when push comes to shove, we're just not falling for it anymore.

Man up or stop bitching.


3) Gangstas

Just get over it already.

You're white. You live in the suburbs. Your mom drives you to meet your "crew" or "posse" or whatever the hell you people call each other.

You are not gangster.

50 Cent is gangster. 50 Cent has been shot nine times and is still ready to throw down.

You would wet yourself if you even saw a real gun.

Pull up your damned pants, turn your hat around straight, and just shut the hell up.


4) Corsairs

You are not Jack Sparrow.

You are Jack Sparrow's weird gay cousin.

I realize that you have deluded yourselves into believing you are the FFXI version of some romantic, Pirates of the Caribbean badass. That probably makes you feel very good about yourself.

That would be wrong.

In truth, you're running around in a pink jacket with a frilly shirt and rolling dice.

It's funny. I don't remember that from any pirate story I ever heard.

You're not a pirate.

Not.

Pirate.

Let's all move on, shall we?


5) Jack Thompson

... Do I even need to explain?


6) The Bachelor/Bachelorette

What the hell is wrong with people?

Do we really need to see a bunch of self-centered idiots running around pretending they're in a serious relationship situation?

Susan watches this show occasionally and it's everything I can do not to throw the TV out the nearest window.

I barely care enough to keep up with the relationships my actual friends are in. I certainly don't give a damn about some woman that got chosen at random hooking up with 25 guys who also got chosen at random.

Have you ever heard of the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle? Apparently, the people who watch this show haven't.

It states that the very act of observing an event affects the results.

Do you really think those 25 guys are really like that? Of course not.

Any guy is going to act all romantic and sweet when you've got 13 cameras pointed at him at all times. Things will be awful damned different when those cameras are gone and he's slouched on the couch asking the bachelorette to get him a damned sandwiche.

If you honestly believe this show is worth watching, then there's something wrong with you.

Very, very wrong.


6b) Pseudo-Celebrities

As a subset to that topic, I also hate fake celebrities.

No, no. I don't mean Paris Hilton.

I hate her, too, but that's not what I meant.

I mean all of these people who get thrust into the public eye and we're just supposed to care about whatever the hell is going on with them.

Maybe I do mean Paris Hilton.

I'm not sure anymore.

What I really hate is people who become famous for talking to or about other famous people.

Gene Simmons. Famous.

Guy on Access Hollywood who talks about Gene Simmons. Not famous.

If you were famous, someone would be talking about you.

Shut up.


7) That Guy

You know that guy?

I hate that guy.


8) The Entire Cast of "The Hills"

Hey, you're vapid, useless wastes of oxygen. I totally want to know everything about your vapid, useless lives.

OH! Someone I hate broke up with someone else I hate!

Quickly! TO THE INTARWEB!

Every time I see one of these people I get a little dumber.


9) Girls That Say "BEE-YOTCH" To Their Friends

It's not cute. You're not cute for saying it.

Not. At. All.

You just look "REE-TAH-DID".

Honestly, I could do this all day.

Basically, if you're not a perfectly normal person that minds their own damned business, there's a good chance that I hate you.

Don't take it personal. It just means that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

We're still friends.

Actually... That's a lie. We're not still friends.

Hell, we weren't friends to begin with.

But at least we've established that it's your fault.

That's something, isn't it?

27 Comments:

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

I could not agree with "The Hills" and "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" more. Those are two wastes of time that I don't see how people watch... Especially the latter. I have enough problems in my own life to worry about someone else's.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Justin said...

XD Your rants are always the best dave. You ever hear of Death Note? Would be amusing as hell to see what would happen to the world if you got ahold of that thing

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Teirm said...

If you are antisocial is that a good thing, in your opinion? By the way, I really could not agree with more about the bee-yotch thing....hate high school.

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Dustin said...

Wow, if you had come up with a 10th, you could actually title this post, 10 things i hate about you

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Harsisus said...

Noes! DAVE!? What's wrong with you!?

It's Heisenberg! Typo T_T /dies. You're normally so good with your typing!

And where the hell is Jormy? I miss those irony-infested comebacks that seem to make the deluded more delusional!

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

Needs more death and destruction, with a bit of whimpering thrown in for good measure. Is Jormy on vacation?

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger Zombie said...

As a Corsair, I have only this to say: We can wear whatever we want because we get a cannon.

Enjoy your pointy sticks.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Drekal said...

Ah, darnit Justin. Now I'm imagining Dave hunched over a desk, giggling maddly while trying to decide who to off first, and in which embarrassing/painful way he should do so.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Aredia said...

Oh, good sir, you make my life complete. If I weren't an unemployed college student about to be evicted from her apartment, I'd totally donate to the cause.

And about the gangsta's thing... That reminds me of all the times I've had to correct our troubled youth. I think video games should be the least of our government's worries. They should focus on finding someone adequate enough to run the country, for one, or at least someone who can spell. Gangsta's on the "streets" of mid-town suburbia should be the first thing to go. If only you could have a real life dragon... *sigh* oh, the possibilities.

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger Proprius said...

The Uncertainty Principle has nothing at all to do with the affect of cameras observing human behavior. ..Except in the very, very tiny way that it has something to do with everything.

I'm getting rather annoyed by people misusing it in their attempts to be humorous after seeing it in a recent National Geographic article. Sorry.

 
At 3:25 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

First off, I don't read National Geographic.I'm a little insulted that you suggest I would.

Also, I should point out that I have a degree in biochemistry and, while the uncertainty principle explains the effect of observation on the accuracy of result when observing electrons, it does make a fitting analogy.

See, an analogy is when you use one idea to explain a different phenomenon. Those two ideas may not be related.

And obviously, since you understood what I meant enough to try and prove me wrong, the analogy did its job just fine.

This is really the wrong place to come and try and point out people's mistakes.

 
At 3:26 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Who the hell still reads National Geographic?

Seriously.

 
At 4:16 AM, Blogger Erubadhriel said...

i hate pseudo-celebrities. anyone who appears on "reality" tv these days is considered a celebrity. bogans locked up in a house for 3 months are considered celebrities. bogans left deserted out in the arse end of nowhere are considered celebrities. fat bogans nearly dying whilst trying to lose weight are considered celebrities. what a f#@*ing joke.

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger Nymph said...

Haha

I love your rants. It makes me feel good that its not coming from me for once.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

7) That Guy

You know that guy?

I hate that guy.


Oh God, me too. That guy sucks.

Who the hell still reads National Geographic?

Seriously.


Kids who don't have internet access or easily-stolen-from magazine stores. How the hell else are they going to catch a glimpse of boob?

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger Justin said...

As if. I had a subscription for two years thanks to my parents when i was a teen and i never even saw one sideboob

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Josh said...

THIS is the Dave I remember.

Welcome back :)

 
At 12:33 AM, Blogger karelia said...

on an entirely unrelated note... lol can i point out (dont spam me with retard-posts) that im SO glad this GD bonanza thing is almost over????? wth was i thinking filling a character and 3 mules with fuckin power balls??? do you know how much space that leaves someone with 3 lvl 75 jobs fully geared and a 4th job being leveled???? NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg WHAT was i thinking. ps: please let me win WHM relic gloves cuz im so friggin sick of dynamis!!! <.< /endrant. (feel free to mock me in a post dave ;) )

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Who the hell still reads National Geographic?

Those who prefer to get information & education from somewhere else besides the InterNetz?

Art students in high schools too cheap to afford real models?

Seriously though...what the hell's a Corsair? Pirate Goth?

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Sorvina said...

OMG I love you, Dave. Your rants effing rock! You MUST do it more often. :P

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Caeluth said...

I believe it was albert einstein who said something like: "There are two things that I believe are eternal; the universe and the stupidity of people- and I'm not so sure about the universe."

 
At 7:46 PM, Blogger JackPeterson said...

Just to add a note to clarify:

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle has to do with momenta and positions of particles; the more precisely one knows the momentum of a particle, the less one can know about its location (to put it simply).

The analogy you used employs the observer effect, to which the Uncertainty Principle is often related, but they are two different things.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger GM Dave said...

I hate your blog!

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Absolutezero said...

Corsairs are pirates! do the AF quest and you'll see what im talking about. Corsair is my main and i really dont think that there is anything wrong with making flavor macros based on your job. (no i dont have a double-up macro thats just annoying.) but if i want to say gyar in my pt and get drunk off rum in real life as i exp then who can argue?

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger Carlos said...

The Uncertainty Principle has nothing at all to do with the affect of cameras observing human behavior. ..Except in the very, very tiny way that it has something to do with everything.

"Except in the very, very tiny way that it has something to do with everything."

....alrighty then.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger Shrade said...

"Heisenberg is pulled over by a policeman whilst driving down a motorway, the policeman gets out of his car, walks towards Heisenberg's window and motions with his hand for Heisenberg to wind the window down, which he does. The policeman then says ‘Do you know what speed you were driving at sir?’, to which Heisenberg responds ‘No, but I knew exactly where I was.’"

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger semele said...

You should watch The Soup on E. It makes fun of all the stuff you hate.

 

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