Thursday, August 31, 2006

1400 Is The Loneliest Number...

I love some days.

Scattered amongst the countless days of dealing with the functionally retarded of Vana'diel, there are a few rare days of pure joy.

We call them Banning Days.

Now, I know what you're saying. Isn't every day a Banning Day for [GM]Dave?

Well... Yeah... Kind of.

But these are sanctioned bannings.

Do you know why we had this particular Banning Day? Do you know why we banned 1400 accounts for using third party software?

We did it because people are stupid.




People who use third party software to cheat are annoying. It ruins game balance and messes up the economy.

But that's only part of the reason why we hate third party software.

We mostly hate it because people who have no idea what in the hell their doing download random programs off the internet. Then they come whining to us when their account gets "hacked".

Can you even comprehend how damned irritating that is?

First off, you didn't get hacked.

No one was breaking through firewalls or running algorithms while techno music played in the background. You downloaded a keylogger and it just sent your password to someone who is apparently smarter than you.

Now, many of you are probably thinking that they're not smarter than you.

Well, you don't have their password, now do you?

Second, it's really not our responsibility to help you at this point.

You tried to break the rules. While doing so, someone decided to kick your ass. That's not our problem.

That's karma.

I know, I know. We have a responsibility to our customers.

Unfortunately (for you), you ceased to be a customer the second you downloaded third party software.

There's not a single person out there that thinks this is right. Sure, you can justify it, say it's not that serious. But deep down, you know that anything you download is a third party app.

You know it.

So, don't come crying to us when someone uses your greed and stupidity against you.

But, no. Every damned day someone sends a GM call to complain that they "got hacked".

I weep for humanity.

And they always act like they have no idea why it happened.

A few days ago, I got another of these calls. We call them suicide calls because these people are just asking to die.

GM Call Description: My account got hacked. All items missing. Help.


Let me check my files. Add up all the known third party users plus the idiots that call us about "getting hacked"...

Hey, look at that.


I made a note to mention that to my supervisor.

Then, I logged in. Can't keep a customer waiting.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you "got hacked".
Player>> Yeah...
Player>> But why are you using quotation marks?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you "mean".
Player>> You just did it again.
[GM]Dave>> No, I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> Let's move on.
[GM]Dave>> How exactly did you "get hacked"?
Player>> I downloaded this program...
Player>> And then all of my stuff disappeared.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Who gave you this program?
Player>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> Let's go through that again.
[GM]Dave>> What did you do?
Player>> I downloaded a program.
[GM]Dave>> And who gave it to you?
Player>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> Let's do it one more time.
Player>> Are you kidding?
Player>> Why would we do that?
[GM]Dave>> Well... If we keep going over it...
[GM]Dave>> I'm hoping you'll figure out why it's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it, but it could happen.
Player>> I'm insulted.
[GM]Dave>> On a daily basis, no doubt.
Player>> You have to find out who did this.
[GM]Dave>> No...
[GM]Dave>> I know who did this.
Player>> You do? That's great!
Player>> Who did it?
[GM]Dave>> You did.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> I can't believe someone could be that stupid.
[GM]Dave>> You're obviously behind the whole thing.
Player>> That's ridiculous!
[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> I totally believe you could be that stupid.
[GM]Dave>> And yet... I do nothing.
Player>> There must be something you can do.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> There is one thing...
Player>> Thank god.
Player>> Do it.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think you'll like it.
Player>> I don't care.
Player>> Do it!
[GM]Dave>> You're the boss.


Player>> What's going on?!

Jormungand hits Player for 12,999 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I told you you wouldn't like it.

See, I understand people downloading third party software. I don't agree with it, but at least I can understand why they do it.

But dammit, if you choose to use third party software, then you choose to risk your account.

Don't come crying to us because you were stupid.

We don't have that kind of time.

Honestly, we burned 1400 accounts not just to save game balance.

We did it to save our time.

Also, our sanity.

1401 less idiots makes the world a better place.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Fan Club Update

Working hard on the fan club gift pack for this month, so sadly I won't be able to do an update this evening.

There's another children's book I've written, as well as a few pics, and the usual exclusive stories.

It's coming together nicely, but if I don't put the time in, it won't come together at all.

Between that and us banning 1,400 accounts today, I barely have time to think. I'll let you guys know how the mass banning went tomorrow.

On a side note, I'm starting a petition to change our current day into a 28 hour day so that I might actually have time to sleep.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

[GM]Dave Rising

I had somehow missed the release of Disgaea 2. This gives further proof to my theory that dealing with idiots all day long can cause brain damage.

Unfortunately, since I had not ordered it online, I was stuck going to...

I can't even say it...

I was stuck going to the mall.

*cue crashing thunder and ominous music*

There are few things as terrifying to me as going to a shopping mall. The entire place has this sick, empty feeling.

It's like being inside the head of a gil buyer.

But, as I had no choice in the matter, I jumped in my car and headed for the mall.

As soon as my car hit the parking lot, I knew it was a mistake. It was a sea of shining SUVs and minivans. The place was going to be packed with broken soccer moms and their witless, mutant children.


I could do it, though. A quick run in, grab the game, and I was gone.

How bad could it be?

Answer: very.

As I walked in, the breath was practically knocked out of me. I stood there, at the end of the food court, with my heart racing wildly in my chest.

The mall was infested with zombies.

Dear lord, they were everywhere. The mall was awash with their undead horde.

I had to do something.

I ran in and snatched a cane from some old lady zombie's hand. Her wrinkled body crashed to the hard tile floor.

But at least I had a weapon.

That's when I spotted a cluster of zombies sitting at tables to my left.

They had to pay.

I swung the cane through the air like a blade and let it crash down against the top of their table. Their Starbucks espressos jostled, one of them actually falling over spilling.

Wait... Do zombies drink Starbucks?

Zombie1>> What the hell are you doing?
Zombie2>> He's lost it.
Zombie1>> Yeah. We should get out of here.

They took off running. I could see the fear in their zombie faces.

Unfortunately, I couldn't see the zombie in their zombie faces.

Yeah... Apparently, I may have assaulted some Goth kids in serious need of a tan.

And we won't even talk about the table full of GAP employees.

How could this get any worse?

LittleKid>> Grandma? Why are you lying on the floor?
LittleKid>> Grandma... ?

I decided that it might be better if I went home instead of shopping.

Went home quickly.

If anyone asks, I was with you this afternoon.

Monday, August 28, 2006

[GM]Dave's Many Conquests

I get a lot of questions about Susan. I mean a lot of questions.

Some of them even pertain to subjects other than our sex life.

Few, but some.

One of the more interesting questions I get asked a lot is if there were any girls before Susan.

Short answer: Yes.

Long Answer: Oh hell yes.

The population of Vana'diel is littered with the empty shells of women who have known my love.

I loved them.

I left them.

In several cases, I banned them.

What? Last thing I need is to be running through Jeuno with a trail of broken-hearted women following me.

See, in each case I made one very important mistake. I spent so much time worrying that they might actually be a guy that I forgot to check for other important things.

Like personality.

Or sanity.

This last one brings me to my first in-game girlfriend, Amanda.

We met in Valkurm. I was an Elvaan Red Mage. She was a Hume Warrior.

Were were in a party together when she sent me a fairly "inappropriate" tell. I'd later find out it was a mistell, but that momentary confusion (coupled with the hot mental imagery) led to us talking.

And talking.

And talking.

She seemed really normal at first. I had, of course, gone through extensive "Is she a he?" testing and she was indeed a girl.

Unfortunately, at the time, that was all I really needed to know.

How naive I was.

We had been in-game dating for a few weeks when she started to act funny.

Not "ha ha" funny.

More like "this bitch is a freaking psychopath" funny.

One day, I was in Lower Jeuno checking on some Auction House sales when she started sending me tells.

Amanda>> Where were you?

What? I didn't remember us having plans to do something.

Maybe she got confused or something.


Maybe she went insane.

Dave>> I don't know what you're talking about?
Dave>> Where was I when?
Amanda>> You know when.
Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!
Amanda>> She was all over you.
Dave>> Can I buy a vowel or something?
Dave>> I don't have a sweet clue what you're talking about.
Amanda>> Earlier today.
Amanda>> In Qufim.
Amanda>> I was watching you.
Dave>> That's a little scary.
Dave>> Except replace "a little" with "really".
Amanda>> I saw that slut coming onto you.
Amanda>> She was practically on top of you.
Dave>> Who the hell are you talking about?
Amanda>> The female Elvaan bard.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I was in a party with a bard.
Amanda>> HA!!!
Amanda>> You admit it!
Dave>> Uhhh...
Dave>> Yeah.
Amanda>> So what do you have to say?
Dave>> You're insane?
Amanda>> Insane?
Amanda>> INSANE?!
Amanda>> Is it insane to love someone more than life?
Amanda>> Is it insane to follow them wherever they go?
Amanda>> Is it insane to watch them?
Dave>> Pretty much, yeah.
Dave>> You kind of hit the nail on the head.
Amanda>> Was it worth it?
Dave>> Was what worth what?
Dave>> I think I need a map for this conversation.
Dave>> You obviously don't know where we're going.
Amanda>> You threw away everything we had.
Amanda>> For some cheap bard WHORE!!!
Dave>> I think I'm having an aneurysm.
Amanda>> How could you do this to me?
Amanda>> I would have died for you.
Dave>> Could you die for me now?
Dave>> That would be super.
Amanda>> You'll never meet another girl like me.
Dave>> Let's hope.
Amanda>> You tore out my heart.
Amanda>> YOU TORE IT OUT!!!
Dave>> Darn. Look at the time.
Dave>> It's a quarter past crazy.
Dave>> I really have to run.
Dave>> Let's not do this again sometime.
Amanda>> I sent you something to remember me by.
Amanda>> You took everything else.
Dave>> Good damn, you sound like a Billy Talent song.
Dave>> Maybe it's time we see other people.
Dave>> But by "we" I mean "you".
Dave>> and by "other people" I mean "a psychiatrist".
Amanda>> I'll always love you.
Dave>> Just when I thought it couldn't get creepier.

That was pretty much the end for Amanda and I. I chalk it up to personality differences.

Or her having different personalities.

After we parted, I headed back to my moghouse and checked my delivery box. And there it was.

A Dragon Heart.

I'm sure this was an item full of dark symbolism and important meaning to her.

I decided I should take some time to seriously ponder its meaning.

Also, when it sold an hour later, I made 900,000 gil.

Sigh... You always remember your first love.

Especially whern that love turns out to be a full on psychopath.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

[GM]Dave, The Author

Many of the questions I receive in my e-mail are about writing. It seems many of my readers wonder if I've ever tried other writing styles.

As a matter of fact, I just finished working on a children's book. It's a special story about a boy who learns a valuable lesson.

It's called "Why Billy Had No Friends."

Why Billy Had No Friends

Billy was a little boy
Who played on his computer.
He played only one type of game.
That was first person shooter.

Billy played and Billy died
For that is part of the game,
But Billy died more than most
Cause damn that boy was lame.

Whenever little Billy died,
He made a witty retort.
"STFU, N00b" Billy cried
Cause Billy was a bad sport.

His grammar was atrocious.
His skills were not quite leet.
And when he lost, Billy said
Some words I can't repeat.

Other players tried to calm him down
As Billy lay there dead.
They suggested he not play anymore.
Actually... GTFO, they said.

That's when little Billy's life
Took a drastic turn.
He decided he would rather cheat
And let them bitches burn.

Billy started spawn camping
And next he started botting.
But as his score was slowly rising,
His brain was quickly rotting.

As his brain diminished,
Slowly dying inside his head,
Little Billy grew quite bored
And played other games instead.

But sports were not his style.
He had no brains for strategy.
So little Billy made the decision
To try an MMORPG.

That was Billy's big mistake.
He'd finally have to pay.
For Fate dumped poor little Billy
Into a Gamemaster's way.

Billy started swearing.
The GM counted strike one.
Strike two came for scamming.
One more and he'd be done.

Then our little Billy
Made a dumb GM call.
"Strike three!!!" the GM shouted
And the axe began to fall.

Billy was quickly warped to jail
His account received a flaggin'.
And when Billy started to whine,
I fed him to a dragon.

And what became of poor Billy,
The boy who had no friends?
I dragged him out into the street
And shot him cause no one likes a retard.

The End

Makes me cry everytime I read it.

I think Billy learned a very important lesson, don't you?

That lesson: don't be a n00b or someone will put a bullet into your brain.

Good lesson that.

[GM]Dave is all about the children.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Few And Far Between

One of my readers recently asked what it's like to deal with a player that is both intelligent and respectful.

As soon as I meet one, I'll let you know.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I've handled literally thousands of GM calls. Of course I've dealt with smart, normal people.

Both of those guys were great.

The sad fact is we usually only deal with the bottom of the barrel.

Except replace the word "barrel" with the words "gaming community".

And replace the word "bottom" with the words "retarded, unwashed masses".

That's why most gamemasters are so angry. We don't get a fair sampling of the gaming population. We only get the worst.

Now, some of you are thinking "don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch". That's a nice saying.

I want you to do me a favor. Are you ready?

Go get a few thousand apples. You can choose which kind.

Now, start taking apples one at a time.

Oh, hey! The first one is rotten.

Let's take another.

Darn. This one is rotten, too.

Maybe number three will be good.

Nope. Number 3 is rotten, too.

Now, keep doing this.

Only pretend every apple is rotten.

Some of them aren't even apples. Some of them are just rocks.

How long do you think you could remain optimistic about players?

Answer: Not freakin' long.

Yes, every now and then (read: extremely rarely), we get a good call. A normal call.

A call that doesn't make us want to hurt ourselves/others.

Unfortunately, these calls are so rare that we find ourselves unprepared for them. We're already expecting a bad apple.

Normal calls can be disconcerting.

Just a few days ago, I got one of these normal calls. His timing, however, was very poor. I had just finished several bad calls and was just polishing off my second bottle of whisky.

[GM]Dave was not in a good mood.

Actually, [GM]Dave was pissed off and verging on the edge of being drunk.

Very bad timing indeed.

GM Call Description: Attempted item scam.

Oh goody. An item scam.

Immediately, I assume this person is a complete idiot and the so called "scam" means he bought something for way more than it was worth.

We get that a lot.

I log in to deal with yet another moron. I'm already warming up my Jormy macro.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you got "scammed".
Player>> No.
Player>> Someone tried to scam me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, this I've got to hear.
[GM]Dave>> What'd he do?
[GM]Dave>> Promise you a Scorpion Harness to cyber?
Player>> ... No.
Player>> He tried to switch items during a trade.
[GM]Dave>> Riiight.
[GM]Dave>> And how did he "switch" the items?
Player>> Well, he put up an Emperor's Hairpin.
Player>> And when I put up my gil, he switched it out.
Player>> Then he put up an Insect Wing to fool me.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> This sounds like an actual problem.
Player>> Of course it does.
Player>> That's why I called you.
Player>> That guy should be reported.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... But...
[GM]Dave>> But...
[GM]Dave>> It actually made sense.
Player>> Are you okay?
[GM]Dave>> Not really, no.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what's going on.
Player>> I made a GM call to report a scammer.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but you had a real problem.
[GM]Dave>> And used proper punctuation and grammar.
[GM]Dave>> I think my brain imploded.
Player>> Isn't that what the GM call function is for?
Player>> So people can make emergency calls?
[GM]Dave>> Please... Stop...
[GM]Dave>> I can't take any more.
Player>> This is getting strange.
[GM]Dave>> It's just... I've heard stories about calls like this.
[GM]Dave>> I thought they were just myths.
[GM]Dave>> You know, like dragons
[GM]Dave>> Or gender equality.
Player>> Listen... It's not really that big a deal.
Player>> I'll just be going now.
[GM]Dave>> You're up to something.
[GM]Dave>> I know it.
Player>> What?!
Player>> I made a call to report a scammer.
[GM]Dave>> That's just what you wanted me to think, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> This is all part of your twisted plot.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I'm not falling for it, Mister.
Player>> ...
Player>> Okay then.
Player>> I'm going to walk away now, okay?
[GM]Dave>> I'm watching you.
Player>> I think you need to get some help.
[GM]Dave>> Is that a threat?
[GM]Dave>> That sounded like a threat.
Player>> It wasn't a threat.
Player>> I was trying to help.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not falling for your mind games.
[GM]Dave>> I'm ready for you.


Player>> Oh damn.
Player>> What now?

Jormungand hits Player for 16,845 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> That'll teach you to use proper grammar.
[GM]Dave>> Thought he had me.


Maybe I didn't handle that so well.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Mama Said Knock You Out

Many of you have e-mailed me asking how my mother is doing. I'm pleased to report she is doing just fine and is back in the game.

What? How did she return you may ask?

Well... I unbanned her.

Now, before you start to think that I did it because she's my mom, you are very, very wrong.

I banned her in the first place because she was my mom.

No, I reinstated her account for two very good reasons:

1) It was her birthday and I had to choose between unbanning her or actually having to go to the mall and interact with people.

As much as my mom pisses me off, that is so not worth having to talk to the unwashed masses that infest our shopping establishments.

2) My father was going crazy.

Mom was hard enough to live with when she was playing FFXI. Now, she's very angry and has a hell of a lot of time on her hands.

Not a good combination.

So, given these mitigating factors, I decided to give her another chance.

[GM]Dave>> Hey, mom.
Mom>> Mom? Who's that?
Mom>> You can't mean me. I have no children.
[GM]Dave>> Knock it off, Mom.
Mom>> I can't be your mother.
Mom>> No one would ban their own mother.
Mom>> Therefore, you cannot possibly be my son.
[GM]Dave>> Are you going to keep going with this?
[GM]Dave>> It's getting really old.
Mom>> Oh, I'm sorry.
Mom>> I did not mean to bother you. Please forgive me...
Mom>> You soulless monster.
[GM]Dave>> Mom, it's good news.
[GM]Dave>> I'm unbanning you.
Mom>> Well, goody goody gumdrops.
Mom>> That totally makes up for the first two times you banned me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, stop it.
[GM]Dave>> I had to ban you those times.
[GM]Dave>> You are pure evil.
Mom>> You didn't have to ban me.
Mom>> You wanted to.
Mom>> You enjoyed it.
[GM]Dave>> That's completely unt...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I did like it a bit.
Mom>> I knew it.
[GM]Dave>> But I'm here to unban you.
[GM]Dave>> For your birthday.
Mom>> Really?
Mom>> You're really going to do it?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, mom.
Mom>> That's great.
Mom>> This is like the best present ever.
[GM]Dave>> That makes me very sad.
Mom>> You know what I mean.
[GM]Dave>> Listen... Do you want to come back or not?
Mom>> Of course I do.
Mom>> I can't wait.
[GM]Dave>> Let me just clear your account...
[GM]Dave>> And... done.
[GM]Dave>> You're a free woman.
Mom>> This is amazing.

I have to admit, this actually made me smile a bit. She was so happy.

Unfortunately, that's when she got loud.

Mom>> I'M FREE!!!!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, damn.
[GM Dave>> Mom...
Mom>> What?
Mom>> What'd I do that time?
[GM]Dave>> We have very strict rules about swearing.
Mom>> Oh Christ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid we have to ban you again.
Mom>> But I just got back!
Mom>> This is bullshit!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Justice has no mommy.

I felt a little bad at having to ban her again. And, if I had to guess, I'm pretty sure she wasn't too happy about it either.

Actually, I know she wasn't very happy about it.

About a half hour later, I got a call from my Dad. He didn't say anything.

He just cried into the phone.

Yeah, she's mad.

A Few Notes

Three matters to deal with:

1) Lack of Update Yesterday

Sorry there was no update yesterday. Between work, gaming, and some semblance of a life, I've been burning myself out lately. I've actually started going narcoleptic at my desk, randomly falling asleep while typing (ie. the tarantula incident).

I needed to take a night off and get some sleep. I still don't think I've had enough, but I feel a hell of a lot better. Needed to recharge my batteries.

As for the days without updates, unfortunately shit happens. I can't control the universe (yet), so some days I'm not able to sit down and write up an update.

Some days I'm so tired/annoyed that I can't think of anything funny to write. I've tried writing on these days and the feedback hasn't been great. It feels too forced.

Hopefully, these absences will be rare, but they are going to happen.

I'd like to invite all of my readers to send me any fan work/art that they like. Should a day come when I can't update, I'll at least try and put up some fun fan work.

Anyway, on to subject number 2...

2) August Fan Week

That's right, folks. It's fan week time again, that special time of the month where we all come together to celebrate my greatness.

I have a few theme ideas for the week, but I wanted to know if you readers had certain things you'd like to know/hear about.

If there is anything you'd like to know/hear about, feel free to post it in the comments section of this post and I'll work it in as best I can.

Now, there are good ways to do this and bad ways.

Good Way: [GM]Dave, I've always wondered does Susan get jealous of female players hitting on you?

See, that's good. It offers some room for discussion and is not strange.

Bad Way: [GM]Dave, what are you wearing?

See, that's bad. It offers room for discussion, but room that no one really wants to go into. You are scary. Please discontinue breathing at your earliest convenience.

This is your opportunity to voice your opinions and see more of what you like.

I will probably ignore many of these opinions, but that's only because I ignore most people.

On to subject 3...

3) Fan Club pack

As most of you already know, anyone who donates $5 or more during the month becomes part of the [GM]Dave fan club. All fan club members receive a free gift pack at the end of the month that includes some fun pictures, exclusive stories, and whatever else I think to include.

To make the pack even more palatable, I'd like to hear your suggestions about what else to include. More stories? More Susan stories? Just let me know.

Also, if you submit fan work/art, it can be included in the fan pack to be appreciated by other readers.

That's everything, folks. I'll be back later this evening with an actual update.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

They're On To Me

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Seems some of the higher ups are trying to figure out who I actually am. They've been skulking around the main floor for a while now, trying to catch me.

When that didn't work, they started randomly supervising GM calls to watch for "anomalous behavior".

In case you're not up with the english, that means they were looking for dragon-related violence.

Well, lucky, lucky me. Today was my turn.



Right away, I was pissed off. It's kind of hard to drink with your supervisor sitting right next to you.

Not impossible, mind you. Just hard.

I knew the whole day was going to suck horribly. No drinking, no crafting, no abusing players...

That was when I was struck by the most heinous, terrifying idea.

I might actually have to HELP a PLAYER.

Just saying it makes me feel dirty.

You never know. Maybe I'll get lucky and no one will make a GM call while he's here.


F&#% F&#% F&#%

Okay... Stay Calm. Maybe this will be a worthwhile call.

GM Call Description: Party stole our camp! Help!


This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I had a stroke and I'm lying face down somewhere, drooling on myself.


Steeling myself (and bottling up my near limitless rage), I logged in and headed to the player's location.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How are you today?

I thought that was pretty good. I wasn't sarcastic and I avoided calling the player functionally retarded.

That's a big step for me.

Apparently, it wasn't good enough, though. I feel a little tap on my shoulder.

Supervisor>> You're not roleplaying enough.
Supervisor>> You might want to work on that.

Son of a bitch.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I pray the light of Altana falls upon you.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Player>> Yeah.
Player>> Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> How can I help you today?
Player>> Another party stole our camp site.
[GM]Dave>> They stole it?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> They came and camped right next to us.
Player>> They're killing all of our beetles.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh lord. I don't have the strength to get through this.

Must focus. Do not kill the idiots. Do not kill the idiots.

I need to end this call quickly.

[GM]Dave>> I'll look into the matter.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Player>> That's it?
Player>> You'll look into it?!
[GM]Dave>> They will be punished if they deserve to be.

Just typing that hurt.

Okay... Say goodbye and end it.

Player>> That's bullshit.
Player>> You need to ban them or something.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Stay calm. You can murder him later.

And all of his friends.

Player>> IT'S YOUR JOB!!!

And everyone he has ever talked to.

I could actually see my hand hovering shakily over my Jormy macro.

But right now, I need to handle this very carefully.

[GM]Dave>> I apologize for the inconvenience, sir.
[GM]Dave>> The situation will be dealt with.
Player>> Yeah, whatever.
Player>> Later.
[GM]Dave>> Later.

That's when I feel another tap on my shoulder.


[GM]Dave>> I bid you farewell, noble warrior.

There. I did it.

I made it to the end without killing him or anything.

Does anyone know if there's an online application for sainthood?

Supervisor>> That was a good call.
Supervisor>> You handled it fairly well.

Just keep smiling. Don't make eye contact.

Supervisor>> There are a few areas you need to work on.
Supervisor>> You were a little curt.

Don't insert a Bic pen into his trachea.

I manage to muster the self-control required to not commit murder and he still thinks I was kurt.

What does he want from me?!

Supervisor>> You need to find a way to enjoy dealing with adventurers.
Supervisor>> Unfortunately, I have to leave now.

As he walked away, I realized there was a small earthquake going on.

Then I realized that it wasn't an earthquake.

I was literally vibrating with repressed rage.

Someone had to pay.

I spent the next seven hours finding "a way to enjoy dealing with adventurers". This mostly involved dragons and banning.

Trust me when I tell you that I enjoyed "dealing" with the little bastard who made that call.

I think Jormy enjoyed it, too.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Quick Note

I am apparently extremely tired.

While typing the update below, I actually passed out from sheer exhaustion.

The funny part was I continued to type even though I was momentarily unconscious.

The sentence:

Player>> And give them an English only server.

Originally read:

Player>> And give them an Engligh 0only tarantula

Yes, that is verbatim.

I have no idea where the tarantula came from.

I need to go lie down.

A Shout Out

I'd just like to send a major shout out to the GMs over at Blizzard. I realize we play different games, but you guys are cool in my book.

As many of you may already know, the WoW GMs have started suspending people for making stupid forum posts, particularly those pertaining to the addition of new realms (ie. servers).

I applaud you.

Up to this point, I have been forced to limit my special brand of "customer service" to the game itself or mailing the occasional incendiary device. You guys have gone above and beyond, making players responsible for stupidity outside of the game.

That shit is brilliant.

I mean, it's not as direct as an explosive arriving via mail, but there's a certain finesse to it that I appreciate.

If WoW were not an immensely inferior product, I might even consider playing it.

Just kidding, guys.

I'd never play WoW.

Anyway, this new initiative inspired me to be more proactive in my efforts to stem the tide of idiocy that runs rampant through our (better) game. It's time for [GM]Dave to go out and find the unwashed and uneducated masses.

Up until now, I had always considered forums as being separate entities to the game. Finally, I see that they can be so much more.

Preemptive strike, bitches.

See, there's abeen a certain type of forum post that's always annoyed the hell out of me. I don't know what causes people to post such a retarded question, but it keeps coming up over and over and over again.

And over.

It's the "Why don't they make a server for _________ only?" where you fill in the blank with the group of your choosing.

Let's look at a few of these in detail, shall we?

Why don't they make a server for English people only?

Because we hate you.

Why don't they make a server for Japanese people only?

Well... Japanese people don't like you either and it makes them giggle when we treat you poorly.

Seriously, do you think we're made of servers? Those bastards are really freakin' expensive. We can't just go out and pick up a couple more at lunch just because you asked us to.

I can just imagine that now.

[GM]Dave>> Uh oh, sir.
[GM]Dave>> They're asking for another server?
Supervisor>> What for?
[GM]Dave>> They want a roleplaying-only server.

Supervisor>> It's a roleplaying game.
Supervisor>> They're all roleplaying servers.
[GM]Dave>> But, sir, you don't understand the gravity of the situation.
[GM]Dave>> They're making FORUM POSTS!
Supervisor>> Oh Christ.
Supervisor>> We'd better go to Best Buy right away.

I know, I know. It's just so hard for you to interact with people from groups outside your own.

Hell, you might even have to learn something about them.

Ugghh. It's unimaginable.

Today, inspired by my brothers and sisters over at WoW, I decided to take the first step. Why wait for them to make a GM call when you can take them by surprise?

Luckily, the first person to make yet another one of these moronic posts was kind enough to include his character information.

Fish... Check.

Barrel... Check.

Gun... Check.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you'd like to donate a server.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Me?!
[GM]Dave>> Yes, you.
[GM]Dave>> We all just read your forum post about needing an English only server.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure the rest of the community will thank you.
[GM]Dave>> Now, how would you like to pay for that server?
Player>> I didn't offer to buy a server.
Player>> I was saying we need it and that you guys should buy more
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What kind of sick joke is this?
[GM]Dave>> You dangle a new server in front of us and then yank it away?
[GM]Dave>> You disgust me.
Player>> I never said I'd pay for the server.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, so we're just supposed to give you a server?
[GM]Dave>> Out of the kindness of our hearts?
Player>> It would be better for everyone.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> It'd be better for you.
Player>> Come on.
Player>> Everyone would benefit from an English only server.
[GM]Dave>> Holy crap! You've convinced me!
[GM]Dave>> I cannot stand against such a logical argument.
Player>> You could at least try it out?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean?
Player>> Take a small sampling of the FFXI population.
Player>> And give them an English only server.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> I suppose we could try that.


Player>> ...
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> I transferred you to a test server.
[GM]Dave>> Congratulations. You're a sample.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> When do the other people get here?
[GM]Dave>> ... Other people?

Seems the English only server idea didn't pan out.

At least... I don't think it did. I kind of just left him on it and went back to crafting.

I'll remember to go check on him later.

Or run a magnet over the server.


Monday, August 21, 2006

Calm The Hell Down

Attention: Today's update relates to the newly implemented chocobo raising. If you are acting like a normal person, who simply wants to own a chocobo, this does not apply to you.

If, however, you have gone choco-tarded and have placed a GM call tonight, do me a favor and eat your keyboard. You are obviously too retarded to be on the internet.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This is going to be a very short announcement as I am on the verge of a major killing spree.


They've been in the game for years.



Oh, but now they come in cool new colors. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

But why stop there?

Why not talking chocobos? Or flying chocobos? Or attack chocobos?

Why even have chocobos at all?

Let's get some Mechs in here with removeable armor and special accessories.

If we work really damned hard, we can turn this into a bad anime cliche in no time.

I know what you're saying.

You >> But [GM]Dave, I can raise my very own chocobo.
You>> That's so awesome.

Congratulations. You're taking time away from battling monsters to raise a Tamagotchi.

Seriously. I weep for society.

I swear to God himself, the next call I get about chocobos and I'm going out to buy an assault rifle.

I hate you people.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

A Brief Interlude

Sorry, but tonight's update will not be related to FFXI. Instead, there is a matter of grave importance that must be brought to light in order to save society.

Japanese cartoons are destroying children's minds.

There. I said it.

I know, I know. Many of you are now horribly offended, sitting there clutching your Naruto boxed set and acting like I just kicked your dog.

Calm the hell down.

I, too, enjoy Japanese cartoons, but have you actually talked to a kid lately? It's a little frightening.

If a kid can't tie his shoes, but is well versed in the intricasies of alchemy (Full Metal or otherwise), they're watching too many freaking cartoons.

Remember cartoons when we were kids? They were short and had no morals whatsoever.


And they required almost no thought at all.

Hell, the damned things actively destroyed attention span.

Today's cartoons are destroying kids' minds.

Susan's sister has a kid. Really cool little kid, but all he watches is Japanese anime.

This wouldn't be so bad if the kid didn't stop every three and a half seconds to do an introspective monologue.

One time, he was playing a video game on his Gameboy, literally in the middle of a battle, and stopped to perform a soliloquy. He lowered his Gameboy, struck some odd pose, and melodramatically asked himself how he would handle his opponent.

Do you not understand how messed up that is?

Imagine trying that at work tomorrow.

Today, we made a quick visit to Susan's sister's house. Her name is Anna. As soon as we walked in, they started chatting.

Not talking. Chatting.

I immediately began to feel faint at the dangerously high levels of estrogen and decided to flee to the safety of the living room.

There on the floor was her son, whom we shall call Jerry, and a couple of his friends. They were playing Beyblade.

Before we go any further, that brings me to point number two.

Japanese cartoons are insane.

Beyblade is a show about spinning tops.


I feel like I'm the last sane person on the planet.

Back to our story...

Jerry sees me walk in, runs over, and hugs my leg. At this point, I was unsure what to do.

When things like this happen, I find it best to just not do anything and hopefully the awkward silence will kill them.

Jerry finally removes himself from my leg and asks if I want to play. We sit down, he hands me a top and that's when the insanity starts.

Jerry>> LET 'ER RIP!!!
[GM]Dave>> What the hell was that?
[GM]Dave>> Why are you yelling?
Jerry>> It's what you do.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Kay.

At this point, we're sitting on the floor watching our tops spin.

Well... I was sitting on the floor. Jerry was leaned forward, literally trembling with anticipation.

And then he started yelling again.

Jerry>> DRANZER!!!
[GM]Dave>> Anna!
[GM]Dave>> I think your kid is having a seizure.
Jerry>> No, Uncle Dave.
Jerry>> You need to tell your top what to do.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Why?
Jerry>> That's how you battle.
[GM]Dave>> Do you go to a special school, Jerry?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe ride a short bus to school?
[GM]Dave>> Do they make you wear a helmet?
Jerry>> Uncle Davvvvvvvve
Jerry>> That's how you tell your Bit Beast what to do.
[GM]Dave>> What's a Bit Beast?
Jerry>> See that sticker on top of your Beyblade?
[GM]Dave>> You mean my spinning top?
Jerry>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> So, you're yelling at stickers.
Jerry>> I'm yelling at my Bit Beast.
[GM]Dave>> Which is a sticker.
[GM]Dave>> You're yelling at a sticker.
Jerry>> Grown ups.
Jerry>> That's the spirit that lives inside my Beyblade.
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm developing a tumor.
Jerry>> I have to yell at that spirit.
[GM]Dave>> Let's just put the whole sticker thing to the side.
[GM]Dave>> Why are you yelling?
Jerry>> I told you.
Jerry>> I have to tell him what to do.
[GM]Dave>> But why are you yelling?
[GM]Dave>> Are these stickers hard of hearing?
[GM]Dave>> Is it less crazy if you're yelling?
Jerry>> That's just what you do.
[GM]Dave>> Words fail me.

We spent the next thirty minutes playing with spinning tops.

Spinning tops.

What are we? Cavemen? Get the kid a damned PS2 or something.

We sat there for thirty minutes of my life (that I'll never get back) and he spent twenty nine of those minutes yelling at his "Beyblade".

The other minute involved an elaborate victory dance I performed after absolutely destroying him.

Who's the sticker now, bitch?

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Multiplayer Means More Than You


This is a public service announcement. Please pay very close attention.

FFXI is an MMORPG. Do you know what MMORPG stands for?

Why are you actually answering me? You're reading this on a computer screen and I can't possibly hear you.

Some people.

Anyway, MMORPG stand for Massively Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game.

Now, I want everyone to look very closely at the second word there.


As basic an idea as this is, you'd be surprised how many people do not understand this concept.

The difficult part to understand seems to be that not everyone is trying to help you with your game. Some of them (read: most of them) actually want to do much better than you and may (read: will) step on you to get ahead.

Yes, yes. I know, I know. When you play on your Playstation by yourself all the other characters help you.

Well... Except that bitch Yuffie. That shit was just wrong.

Now, you step into this big online world and nobody wants to help you. Hell, half of them are probably getting in your way.

This is normal.

This is not an emergency.

This is certainly not a good reason to make a GM call.

Those other people don't have to help you out. They don't. It doesn't matter if what they're doing makes your life harder, as long as they don't kill you, it's fine.

But still, everyday I get the most assinine calls from people who try to report someone for ruining a quest or taking an item or something equally stupid.

Not an emergency.

Let me give you an example. There's a monster in the game called Overgrown Rose. This monster drops a very nice ring called Vilma's Ring. Unfortunately, the drop rate is not very good.

This is bad.

If this monster is left alone for a long enough time, it will change into a different monster called Rose Garden. This monster also drops the Vilma's Ring, but the drop rate is 100%.

This is good.

Sadly, it can take several hours for this change to occur and your chances of no one else touching Overgrown Rose in that time are practically zero.

This is bad.

So, each day, I get at least one call from some idiot who wants the Vilma's Ring, but people keep killing his Overgrown Rose before it can change.

This is very bad.

This person then feels it is somehow my problem and that the other person should be banned.

This is retarded.

Just this afternoon, I was in the middle of an amazing crafting session when I got the daily call.

GM Call Description: Other player stole my Overgrown Rose. Help.

It seems Fate decided to step in at this exact second.

Critical crafting failure. All materials lost. Millions down the drain.

[GM]Dave needed to release some tension.

*cue ominous music*

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you're having trouble with a flower.
[GM]Dave>> That's no reason to feel less like a man.
Player>> I don't feel less like a man.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Not at all?
[GM]Dave>> Cause that is pretty pathetic.
Player>> I'm trying to get him to change into Rose Garden.
Player>> But people keep killing him.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh. Let me write this down.
[GM]Dave>> People are killing a monster.
[GM]Dave>> In an RPG.
[GM]Dave>> An RPG where you kill monsters.
[GM]Dave>> Those bastards.
Player>> This is serious.
Player>> I asked them not to kill him, but they don't listen.
Player>> They're basically stealing.
[GM]Dave>> Why did you say "basically" there?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> The word "basically".
[GM]Dave>> Why did you have to say it?
Player>> Well... Because they're not really stealing.
[GM]Dave>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And if they didn't steal it, this is not an...
Player>> Emergency?
[GM]Dave>> Two for two.
[GM]Dave>> I'm starting to think you're not a complete idiot.
Player>> But it's wrong for them to take it.
Player>> It was my Rose.
[GM]Dave>> Spoke too soon.
[GM]Dave>> It's not your Rose.
[GM]Dave>> Not.
[GM]Dave>> And you can't expect people to leave it alone.
[GM]Dave>> No matter how many times you say pretty please.
Player>> This is bullshit!
Player>> You need to do something!
[GM]Dave>> I'm way ahead of you.


Player>> I meant do something to them.
[GM]Dave>> This will be a lesson on being more clear when you speak.
Player>> You can't suspend me for this.
Player>> I'll sue.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm not going to suspend you.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not even going to ban you.
Player>> Really?
Player>> Then what am I doing here?
[GM]Dave>> We're going to play a little game.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> Ready.

This is when I spawned monsters into Mordion Gaol. Hundreds of them, all surrounding him.

Did I spawn a bunch of angry dragons?


Maybe some ferocious HNMs?


Instead, I spawned every low level NM in the game. Leaping Lizzy, Jaggedy-Eared Jack, Argus, Mee Deggi, Hoo Mjuu.

They were all there.

Millions upon millions upon millions worth of items standing right in front of him.

Player>> HOLY SHIT!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready to hear the rules?
Player>> Sure!
[GM]Dave>> You have to stay in here for 24 hours straight.
[GM]Dave>> No logging out.
[GM]Dave>> And no going AFK. I'll be checking.
Player>> I can do that. Easy.
Player>> It'll take me that long to kill them all.
[GM]Dave>> That brings us to rule number two.
[GM]Dave>> Please don't kill any of them.
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> If you touch even one of them, you get banned.
[GM]Dave>> That includes magic, attacks, anything.
[GM]Dave>> Banned.
Player>> ...
Player>> Are you kidding?
Player>> I can't kill any of them?
[GM]Dave>> Nope.
[GM]Dave>> I asked you not to, remember?
Player>> This is cruel.
[GM]Dave>> I know.

Can you imagine being surrounded by some of the most sought after NMs in the game...

And not being allowed to touch them?

I'm pretty sure he went insane after about fifteen minutes.

Still, I did ask him nicely.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Sexual Harassment - Volume II

Now, as some of you may remember, I have dealt with the topic of sexual harassment in the past.

At the time, I made it very clear that anyone stepping onto the intarweb, particularly women, have to expect this kind of behavior may occur.

I still believe this.

The problem, however, arises that many guys who act this way think I'm on their side. They think I'm condoning this behavior.




You should have known there was something wrong when you thought I was on your side. I'm not a "your side" kind of guy.

This kind of behavior does not belong in a public setting. As a matter of fact, this kind of behavior doesn't belong in any setting that doesn't involve dialing a 900 number.

I want you to actually think about what you are doing. You are sending unsolicited and usually unwanted sexual comments to a person you do not even know.

There are several problems with this:

1) There's a good chance this person did not request your sexual advances and will probably get offended

2) There's a good chance this person is someone you do not know and, as such, you are now harassing a complete stranger

3) There's a good chance this person has a penis.

When it comes right down to it, you're basically assaulting someone you don't even know.

Would you walk up to random women in the mall and start saying sexual things to them?

If your answer is no, then you shouldn't be doing it on the internet either.

If your answer is yes, then you shouldn't be breathing. Do us all a favor and please stop.

Harassing women or breathing. Whichever.

Some of you may be asking yourselves why I would come back to this topic today.

Well, it seems someone is possibly the unluckiest human being on our planet. He decided to mess with the wrong woman.

A smart woman.

A strong woman.

MY woman.

That's right. Some poor unfortunate soul made the mistake of harassing Susan. He must be either:

a) Incredibly stupid

b) Attempting suicide

c) Both a and b

So, I'm working very hard (read: sleeping at my desk) this afternoon, when I get a tell from Susan.

Susan>> Ugh...
Susan>> Some guy keeps sending me sexual tells.
[GM]Dave>> Look... We talked about this.
[GM]Dave>> This is a fantasy setting.
[GM]Dave>> I can send you anything I want.
Susan>> Not you, stupid.
Susan>> Some other guy.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That's... interesting.
[GM]Dave>> Where did I put that gun?
Susan>> What are you going to do?
[GM]Dave>> That depends.
[GM]Dave>> What did he say?
Susan>> Well... He said...

*insert offensive comments here*

[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think I'll start by killing his whole family.
[GM]Dave>> And his dog.
[GM]Dave>> Then, I'll see where my imagination takes me.
[GM]Dave>> I don't want to get ahead of myself...
[GM]Dave>> But I'm thinking something involving power tools.
Susan>> Anything.
Susan>> Just don't let him bother me again.
[GM]Dave>> That won't be a problem.

A few seconds later, I pull up his chat logs.

Not for proof, mind you. I'm going to print them off and wrap them around the incendiary device I'm mailing him.

I quickly find little Mr. Romeo and transport him to Mordion Gaol.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, karma has decided to kick your ass.
Player>> What's going on?
Player>> What am I doing here?
[GM]Dave>> We have decided to isolate your from society.
Player>> What do you mean "we"?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "we"?
[GM]Dave>> I meant "I".
[GM]Dave>> I decided to isolate you.
Player>> Why?
Player>> What did I do?
[GM]Dave>> Do you know a player named Susan?
Player>> Oh... Her.
Player>> We were just chatting.
[GM]Dave>> "Chatting" he says.
[GM]Dave>> Well, she has filed a report against you.
Player>> For what?!
[GM]Dave>> Harassment of a sexual nature.
Player>> We were just kidding around!
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else is funny?
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Bannings.
Player>> ...
Player>> That's not funny.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Always makes me laugh.
Player>> This isn't fair.
Player>> She started it.

Urge to kill rising.


[GM]Dave>> That's odd.
[GM]Dave>> I'm looking at the logs right now.
[GM]Dave>> Unless "Get away from me, you sick freak" is starting it...
[GM]Dave>> I'd have to disagree.
Player>> This is so damned stupid.
Player>> I was just trying to get some.
[GM]Dave>> Well... I've got good news and bad news.
[GM]Dave>> Bad news is you didn't get exactly what you're looking for.
Player>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> Good news is you are definitely f#*%ed.
Player>> Are you really going to ban me?
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever gave you that idea?
Player>> Oh...
Player>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Banning is too good for you.
[GM]Dave>> Instead, I'd like to introduce you to some of my friends.
Player>> Oh damn.

That's when six huge Galkas spawned in a circle around him.

In nothing but subligars.

[GM]Dave>> I've programmed these guys to constantly talk.
[GM]Dave>> About sex.
[GM]Dave>> You'll find they get quite descriptive.
Player>> That's just sick!
[GM]Dave>> I thought you'd like it.
Player>> How long is this going to last?
[GM]Dave>> From now until Japanese midnight.
Player>> That's not so bad.
[GM]Dave>> Japanese midnight, August 31st.
Player>> Don't you think that's a bit excessive?
[GM]Dave>> August 31st, 2017.
Player>> OH COME ON!
[GM]Dave>> I hope you boys have fun.

I think I could actually hear him weeping as he logged out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a hardware store.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Welcome To Random

Okay, I don't even know how to preface this update.

Usually, I throw in a long piece about how such and such a thing is annoying/emo/stupid and how people should be suspended/banned/murdered.

I then go on to relate a recent example that relates to that thing.

But today, I had the most random GM call ever.

GM Call Description: Event problem. Player harassment.

See, now this seemed like my average GM call.

"Boo hoo, someone iz botherin mee."

And I don't really see how someone could be harassed because of the event. I mean, it's just some running around and goldfish scooping.

It looked like some dragon-related violence and a deluxe package were in order.

I logged in all ready to go. Had my dragon macro warmed up and everything.

That's when my brain got broked.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> You seem to be having a problem with the event.
Player>> Yes.
Player>> Other players are harassing me.
[GM]Dave>> Are they interfering with your event quest?
Player>> No, nothing like that.
[GM]Dave>> Are they verbally harassing you?
[GM]Dave>> I could check the logs.
Player>> Not exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Can I buy a freakin' vowel or something?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea what you want.
Player>> Other players are bothering me non-stop.
Player>> It's making it hard to play.
[GM]Dave>> Just blist the players and move on.
[GM]Dave>> Christ, don't you people read the manual?
Player>> It's not that simple.
Player>> It's always different people.
[GM]Dave>> Why the hell are different people harassing you?
[GM]Dave>> Are you playing a Mithra?
[GM]Dave>> That shit is pretty standard.
Player>> No, I'm a Taru.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> What does this have to do with the event?
Player>> That's how they're harassing me.
Player>> They keep trying to scoop me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. What?
Player>> People keep coming up to me doing a scoop emote.
Player>> Then they say "Mystery box! Mystery box!"
Player>> I had to log in on my mule just to send the GM call.
[GM]Dave>> Why in the hell are they doing that?
Player>> Well...
Player>> My main character's name is Goldfish...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I need to go lie down now.

What in the hell am I supposed to do there?

I decided that the best place to find an answer is at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

Apparently, the answer is drunk.

Monday, August 14, 2006


It seems that this is becoming a spontaneous theme week.

I didn't wake up one morning and say "Hey, I think I'll do an Emo week or something." Apparently, the emo community has taken time away from dying their hair black and listening to bad music, to come out and piss me off.

Yay me.

Tonight's installment relates to one of the most heinous crimes that a player can perpetrate. It transcends such petty annoyances as MPKing, gil selling, or third party software.

It is the emo emote.


I mean, what the hell is wrong with people?

The emote command was designed to add a new level of exposition to interpersonal communication. It was intended to convey emotions (hence the name) without dialogue.

It was NOT designed so that you can ramble on about how dark your whatever is or how your soul aches yada yada yada.

Seriously. FFXI is not the place for your emo stupidity.

That's what MySpace is for.

Do you have any idea how irritating it is to party next to someone using retarded emotes?

Do you?

Today, I was leveling one of my lower level jobs on my main and I was in a party just outside Dulkfutt's Tower in Qufim.

Everything was going smoothly until one of our melees had to leave. Something about having to go get his insulin or something.

Some people.

We quickly pick up a replacement and get back to work.

And then the emotes started.

Player looks up at the sky and shields his eyes.
Player shakes the blood from the blade.
Player>> Prepare to taste cold steel, Clipper.
Player raises his scythe in the air, watching it glint in the sun.

I think I actually blacked out there for a second. The depth of retardation actually caused my brain to reboot.

Once I had regained my senses, I quickly sent a tell to the party leader and then logged out.

A couple of key presses later and [GM]Dave appears in Qufim.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I have to ask you to stop.
Player>> Stop what?
[GM]Dave>> The emotes.
[GM]Dave>> Your damned emotes are a crime.
[GM]Dave>> A crime against intelligence.
Player>> That's not fair.
Player>> I think they're cool.
[GM]Dave>> Just listening to you gave me a brain tumor.
[GM]Dave>> Now, I don't want to jump to any conclusions.
[GM]Dave>> But your emotes cause cancer.
Player>> Hey!
Player>> That's kind of harsh.
[GM]Dave>> Only kind of?
[GM]Dave>> I must not be being clear.
[GM]Dave>> Your emotes make people not want to be alive anymore.
Player>> It's a free country.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
[GM]Dave>> What are the schools teaching young people?
[GM]Dave>> This is not a free country.
Player>> Yes, it is.
Player>> America is a democracy.
[GM]Dave>> Silly, silly boy.
[GM]Dave>> This isn't America.
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to the United States of Dave.
[GM]Dave>> We put the fun in dictatorship.
Player>> There's no fun in dictatorship.
[GM]Dave>> You catch on quick.
Player>> Listen.
Player>> It's my emote.
Player>> I'll use it if I want to.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't that cute?
[GM]Dave>> I love it when they try and get tough.
[GM]Dave>> Say it again.
Player>> It's my emote.
Player>> I'll...


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> ...
Player>> Oh crap.
[GM]Dave raises his finger in the air.
[GM]Dave holds it, carefully, above the delete key.
Player>> Wait, wait.
Player>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave watches his hand descend.
Player>> Please don't do this.
[GM]Dave>> The day's end is at hand.
[GM]Dave>> And by "The day", I mean "Your account".
[GM]Dave>> And by "End", I mean "Banning."
[GM]Dave>> And by "At hand", I mean...
[GM]Dave>> Well... That was what I meant.
[GM]Dave's finger waivers, a life hanging in the balance.
Player>> Can't you give me a second chance?
[GM]Dave>> I could.
[GM]Dave>> But this finger is getting awfully heavy.
[GM]Dave inhales oxygen.
Player>> Oh come on.
[GM]Dave thinks you're ugly.
Player>> Quit it.
[GM]Dave may have slept with your mother.
Player>> This is crazy.
Player>> You can't do this.
[GM]Dave's finger drops like the blade of a guillotine.
Player>> NOOOOOOO!
[GM]Dave was only kidding that time.
[GM]Dave got you.
[GM]Dave points at you and laughs.
Player>> Stop that.
Player>> At least you were only kidding.
[GM]Dave didn't say he was only kidding.
Player>> Yes, you did.
[GM]Dave said he was only kidding that time.
Player>> Damn.
[GM]Dave likes dashing people's hopes.

After that, the party was much quieter.

I like quiet.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Comments And Suggestions

It's time to make a very important clarification. This is something that seems to be deeply misunderstood among the FFXI community.

I'm going to try and be as clear as possible.

We really appreciate the feedback we get from most players. Your comments and suggestions are not only interesting, they help us make the game better for everyone.

This is good.

Unfortunately, you'll notice I had to say most players. This is an important nuance.

See, we get quite a bit of good feedback from players. But mixed in with the good and helpful suggestions is a dark undercurrent of rampant idiocy.

We enjoy hearing from players. Just as long as you're not absolutely retarded.

You cannot comprehend how stupid some of the suggestions are.

Now, my own personal favourite (read: exact polar opposite of favourite) of the stupid suggestions is the request to add Vampires as a new race.




I'm sorry. I know you saw Interview With A Vampire. I'm sure you've read every Anne Rice novel.

I'm sure you even imagine what it would be like to be a vampire.

That doesn't make you retarded.

No, no, no.

That makes you retarded with too much time on your hands.

Listen. If you want to wear black clothes and paint your nails black and sit in your basement calling yourself Lord Darkness, that's fine.

That's your damned problem.

But when you step into my world and then tell me we should have vampires in the game, that becomes my problem.

I don't like problems.

It's bad enough I have to listen to you whine to your emo-vampire friends while you sit in the mall food court drinking an Orange Julius.

Don't bring that shit in here.

Day after day after day, we get calls and e-mails suggesting stupid crap like that. Today, I decided that something had to be done for the good of the community.

Okay... I just got sick of that bullshit.

GM Call Description: Player Suggestion- Make vampires a playable race

First off, the GM call command is not a suggestion box.

If your call does not include a serious violation of the ToS or getting stuck behind a table or something, you do not need to make a GM call.

You need a sharp blow to the head.

Second, this is not a suggestion.

This is a justification for murder.

Not that I've ever needed a justification.

But today, today someone was going to pay.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Did Blockbuster run out of copies of Underworld?
Player>> No.
Player>> I own that movie anyway.
[GM]Dave>> Of course you do.
Player>> I wanted to make a suggestion.
Player>> We should be able to play as vampires.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try a little experiment, shall we?
[GM]Dave>> Open your menu.
Player>> Okay... Done.
[GM]Dave>> Scroll down to Help Desk.
Player>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Now, navigate to the GM call screen.
Player>> ... I'm there.
[GM]Dave>> Are you looking at the GM call screen?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I'm looking at it right now.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Now, find the part where it says suggestions.
Player>> ...
Player>> ... Uhh...
Player>> I can't find it.
[GM]Dave>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> Neither can I.
Player>> It's not there.
[GM]Dave>> Huh...
[GM]Dave>> And what would that lead you to believe?
Player>> That you shouldn't send a GM call for a suggestion.
[GM]Dave>> There we go.
Player>> Unless it's important.
[GM]Dave>> OH!
[GM]Dave>> So close.
[GM]Dave>> Anyway, let's move on to your "suggestion".
Player>> Vampire should be a playable race.
Player>> It would make the game much better.
[GM]Dave>> I must assume english is not your first language.
[GM]Dave>> You confused the word better with the word dumber.
Player>> But vampires are so cool.
[GM]Dave>> So are strippers.
[GM]Dave>> But I doubt we'll make them a playable race, either.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a second...
[GM]Dave>> I need to write that down somewhere.
Player>> It would add new dimensions to the game.
[GM]Dave>> I know, I know.
[GM]Dave>> But we'd have to add dollar bills as items.
Player>> Vampires.
Player>> Not strippers.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I was busy not listening to you.
Player>> You should take this seriously.
[GM]Dave>> I'm really trying.
[GM]Dave>> It's difficult.
Player>> This is a good idea.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you should work on the idea some more.
[GM]Dave>> Then you could submit it as a formal proposal.
Player>> I don't really have time to work it out.
Player>> Between work and playing, I don't have much time.
[GM]Dave>> Well... I've got good news and bad news.
Player>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> I think you may have some more free time soon.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> And the bad news?
[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?

There is a difference between making a helpful suggestion and rambling about something stupid.

If you can't figure out the difference, there's a very good chance you're not being helpful.

Before you make a suggestion, you should ask yourself two important questions:

1) Is my idea sound and logical?

2) Do I like dragons?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

What's In A Name?

Okay, I've got to get this out. This has been pissing me off since I started playing this game.

Hell, it's bothered me since the beginning of the intarweb.

What the hell is with the emo names?

Yes, yes. You picture yourself as some dark, mysterious avenger.

I'm sure your mom thinks you are very cool.

But you know what? Calling yourself Darktalonnightblack or what the hell ever doesn't make you dark and mysterious.

It makes you retarded.

Honestly, I can't even begin to count the sheer number of emo names that I see on a daily basis.

What must go through people's heads as they're looking at the character creation screen?

Emotard>> Hmmm... I need to choose a name.
Emotard>> Should I be creative?
Emotard>> Wait... maybe I can just jumble together a bunch of words.
Emotard>> Words like dark and scary.
Emotard>> That's a great idea.

I want everyone to do me a big favor.

Are you ready?

Log on to your account and go to the character selection screen.

If any of your characters have a retardedly emo name, I want you to delete that character.

That includes any name that includes the words Dark or Talon.

Or Night.

Also, if your name is some pathetic attempt to seem intellectual or poetic, feel free to delete those, too.

This would include names like Deathembodied, Eternaldarkness, Nightshadow.

No, no. Don't bother transfering any items before you delete them. They are forever tainted by your idiocy.

I get that this is a fantasy game. I understand that.

How about fantasizing something less annoying?

Today, I was running through South San d'Oria on my main character. You know, minding my own business.

Suddenly, a player runs by me named (and I'm not making this up) Darkravenwing.





Words fail me.

I sat there for a moment, trying to comprehend the sheer emoness of that name. It was like it went beyond the normal realm of stupidity and folded in upon itself to create a singularity of retardedness.

Once my fragile, human brain was able to come to terms with this extradimensional level of stupid, I saw that I had no choice.

Something had to be done.

I quickly logged out and then logged back in under my GM account.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid someone has reported your name.
Darkravenwing>> What do you mean?
Darkravenwing>> My name is not offensive.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> That's a matter of opinion.
[GM]Dave>> Your name violates code 4.5.113.
Darkravenwing>> I don't understand.
Darkravenwing>> What code is that?
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a sec...
[GM]Dave>> Got to grab my manual.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... 4.5.113...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, here it is.
[GM]Dave>> Rules concerning rampant stupidity.
Darkravenwing>> Wait...
Darkravenwing>> I still don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Somehow, I'm not surprised.
[GM]Dave>> Let me put it in layman's terms.
[GM]Dave>> Your.
[GM]Dave>> Name.
[GM]Dave>> Is.
[GM]Dave>> Retarded.
Darkravenwing>> Someone reported my name for being stupid?
[GM]Dave>> I think they actually said gundam-emo-tarded.
Darkravenwing>> That's ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> Hey!
[GM]Dave>> I worked really hard on that.
Darkravenwing>> You reported me?
[GM]Dave>> Someone had to.
[GM]Dave>> Your name is a crime against intelligence.
Darkravenwing>> There's nothing wrong with my name.
Darkravenwing>> I want to appeal your report.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on.
[GM]Dave>> I'll run this by the appeals committee.

*dramatic pause*

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> The committee denied your appeal.
Darkravenwing>> That was fast.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> I usually agree with myself pretty quickly.
Darkravenwing>> Wait, wait, wait...
Darkravenwing>> You're the appeals committee?
[GM]Dave>> Didn't I mention that?
[GM]Dave>> It really speeds up the process.
Darkravenwing>> There has to be something else.
Darkravenwing>> Is there a judge or someone I can talk to?
[GM]Dave>> Of course there is.
Darkravenwing>> ...
Darkravenwing>> That's you, too, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
Darkravenwing>> Don't I have the right to a fair trial or something?
[GM]Dave>> What a silly rule.
[GM]Dave>> Fair trial...
[GM]Dave>> What kind of justice system would use fair trials?
Darkravenwing>> But how does an player prove their innocence?
[GM]Dave>> Well... We run a series of tests.
[GM]Dave>> That usually clears up the problem.
Darkravenwing>> What's the first test?
[GM]Dave>> We ban you.
[GM]Dave>> If the problem stops, it is obvious you are guilty.
Darkravenwing>> How does that prove a player innocent?
[GM]Dave>> You know... That's never come up.
Darkravenwing>> This is insane.
Darkravenwing>> I'M INNOCENT.
[GM]Dave>> I believe you.
[GM]Dave>> But I'm afraid the judge wants to make an example.
Darkravenwing>> But you're the judge!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Tough call.
Darkravenwing>> There must be someone else I can talk to.
Darkravenwing>> Anyone else.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> There is the complaints manager.


Darkravenwing>> Excellent.
Darkravenwing>> Can I speak with him please?
[GM]Dave>> Let me see if he's free.


Darkravenwing>> What's going on?

Jormungand hits Darkravenwing for 15,994 points of damage.
Darkravenwing was defeated by Jormungand.
Darkravenwing falls to level 48.

[GM]Dave>> I love the justice system.

Listen. There's really no excuse for a stupid name.

If you can't come up with something creative and non-emo, just mash your hand on the keyboard.

Trust me. Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Et Tu, Brutus?

Okay, I'm getting ready to snap.

As you all know, I am a model of self-restraint and patience. I always remain cool and level-headed.

Stop laughing.

But, honestly, I'm getting ready to throttle one of my co-workers.

Well... I'm not sure I'd call her a co-worker. Yes, she sits in the same room as me and has the same job title, but she really doesn't do that much work.

Unless her job description includes being an annoyingly retarded bitch.

Seriously, all this woman does is annoy the hell out of everyone. She constantly has to be the center of attention.

And that really isn't hard given the way she looks. I remember the first day I saw her...

[GM]Dave>> Hey, who's that guy?
Supervisor>> Her name is Janice.
[GM]Dave>> Her? Seriously?
Supervisor>> Yes.
Supervisor>> She's a woman.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously?
Supervisor>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously?
Supervisor>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Are we talking an actual woman?
[GM]Dave>> Or will be a woman after the operation?
Supervisor>> I don't think we should be talking about this.
[GM]Dave>> Why not?
[GM]Dave>> Does She-hulk have super-hearing or something?
Supervisor>> This may be getting close to sexual harassment.
[GM]Dave>> Don't ever say the word sexual in relation to that thing.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously.
[GM]Dave>> I think I just threw up in my mouth.

I don't know exactly what's wrong with Sasquatch, but that "lady" needs to shut the hell up.

Dealing with her creates a dilemma within me.

Not a moral one. Oh, hell no.

I just have no idea where I could hide a body that big.

I'd drop her in the Pacific, but I think people would notice half of San Francisco being suddenly under water.

This morning, she managed to corner me and started talking to me.

This is an actual conversation I had with this person.

[GM]Janice>> Hi, Dave.
[GM]Dave>> ... Uhh... Hi, Janice.
[GM]Janice>> What are you up to?
[GM]Dave>> Well, I'd love to chat.
[GM]Dave>> But I was just about to go shove a pen through my eye.
[GM]Dave>> I should get on that.
[GM]Janice>> You're so funny.
[GM]Janice>> You kill me.
[GM]Dave>> I've considered it.
[GM]Janice>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Janice>> So what are your plans tonight?
[GM]Dave>> I thought I'd try to drown my liver in alcohol.
[GM]Dave>> You?
[GM]Janice>> I'm not sure yet.
[GM]Janice>> My boyfriend and I are fighting.

Now, I have no idea why in the hell she's telling me this.

I would have asked, but this was a much more important question on my mind.

[GM]Dave>> YOU have a BOYFRIEND?!

Note to self: work on subtlety.

[GM]Janice>> Yes, I have a boyfriend.
[GM]Janice>> What does that mean?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Is he by any chance blind?
[GM]Janice>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... I get it.
[GM]Dave>> He's "special".
[GM]Janice>> HOW DARE YOU?!
[GM]Dave>> Don't look at me.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not the one taking advantage of the mentally challenged.
[GM]Dave>> Can I get that in writing?

She kind of stomped away after that.

It's getting so that you can't even suggest that the only way someone could be attractive is if the other person was devoid of any type of vision.